Rejected Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> A Slam Dunk

Hello, ladies.  Hello, there dimwits.  Hello there once again ladies.   So I made this profile and it got rejected.  Nothing like hopping onto a dating website to make a love connection, and receiving the first rejection right out of the gate.


Whatever, it’s their loss.  That’s what I typed in the comments section of their online customer service form, and then signed it, “Suck on a fat one, you dongs.”

I didn’t get a reply, so I figured I’d give it a shot here on the Dimwit Diary.   C’mon fate, whatch’ya got for me Universe?  The Captain’s on the rebound and he’s looking to score a put back.  Fingers crossed.  Here goes nothing…but hopefully something.

Dimwit Diary Match Dot Com Profile

Hello.  My name is Chris and I enjoy wearing Aspen cologne.  Some of my other favorite fragrances are Brut by Fabergé, Claiborne Curve, Cool Water, Burberry, Tiffany for Men, and Stetson Black.  I guess if you were to categorize me by any one cologne, it would have to be Stetson Black – the sexy, sophisticated fragrance of the American West, with a blend of warm spices & fresh woods.

I have many hobbies and interests.  I enjoy frisbee golf, hacky sack, drum circles, clog dancing, planking, spelunking, spackling, bird watching, barbecue sauce, laser tag, hosting Tupperware parties with my crazy, yet lovable Aunt Leanoa, Segway tours, horse riding, horseshoes, horseradish, horse whispering, horses, dynamite bass fishing, Home Depot, Marco Polo, Ralph Lauren Polo, Polo Chicken, Mexico,  long walks on the beach, Dentyne Ice, flash mobs, flash animation, Flash Gordon, Jeff Gordon, Gordon Ramsey, pickles, reciting trivia facts on the Bailundo Revolt of 1902, building sandcastles, White Castle, my friend John Castle, curly straws, roller skating, ant farms, organic farms, horse farms, horse races, horse shows, horse jockeys, horse basketball, horsing around, horses, jalapeño peppers, Scattergories, allegories, John Tesh, and performing my infamous Tickle Me Elmo impersonation at fancy dinner parties, just to name a few.

I am a real movie buff.  I have purchased over 1,000 illegal copies of DVDs from a Chinaman down the street, but my all time favorite movie is “The Legend of Bagger Vance” starring Will Smith.  While I tend to enjoy most genres of movies, my favorite movies are the ones that depict the story of down-and-out golfers who discover the meaning of life through a mystical caddy.   Yours should be, too.

I was ready to give up on dating all together after the previous girl I dated turned out to be on America’s Top 100 Wanted Criminals, and I had to turn her in after we finished eating a delicious dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, then I saw her face plastered on all 70 of their giant ass, flat screen TVs.   I was through with dating, but a friend of mine told me to try this dating site out to “Score you a put back, home slizzle.”  I still wasn’t convinced, however.

I’ve never been much of a balla’ as my favorite rap artist, Bubba Sparxxx, likes to spit mad rhymes about, but I’m ready to get back in the game after moving back in with my mother at age 35, and holding many late night conversations with her while playing five-card Cribbage, sipping citrus lavender hot tea, and sharing inspirational, heartwarming tales of triumphant love and fuzzy romance.

I am looking for a boo who is nice, down to earth, has great penmanship, a winning smile, a passion for turtlenecks, can recite all the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby, prefers Jack Link’s Original Hickory Smokehouse beef jerky, has sandy blond hair, enjoys playing teacher / naughty school boy role playing, has shaved legs, trimmed mustache, a daring personality, witty charm, and can do a hilarious, British accent like my Garmin GPS.

If you have any questions, just ask me.  I’m currently unemployed and usually just sitting around the house all day watching videos of bizarre animal mating rituals, so chances are I’ll be able to get back to you pretty quickly.

Hit me up, buttercup.  This balla’ is ready to make a slam dunk.

* Serious inquiries only *

210 thoughts on “Rejected Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> A Slam Dunk

  1. You lost me at “spelunking”… the whole Black girl from the hood, in a cave thing… eh…doesn’t sit too well with me… but hey, you found me again at White Castle. That I can do.

    • Whatever, Cheron. I’ve gone spelunking with plenty of black shawtys. Afterwards, we cleaned up nice, and saw a delightful, quaint performance of John Tesh. Sike! Well, count me in Cheron. Glad we could work it out. White Castle saves the day again.

      Well, you’re a beauty and a wit. And a dimwit. And a shawty. Will you be my boo? Thanks for the laugh and comment. Gonna check out your stuff. HOLLA!

  2. If I weren’t already married, I would ask you out. But, instead, I think you should meet my friend. For realsies. She’s pretty awesome sauce. And hot. And young. And blonde. And in Pittsburgh, yo.

    • YEEEEEEEEEESsssss. Well the handwriting, that’s fine. I’m willing to make a pass for serial killers. But the hair? Not sure I could ever date a gal with confused hair. Which is it? Is it red? Or is it brown? Red? Or Brown. If you’re that confused about your hair, cripes I’d hate to see you in a mall or something. Guess in that case, the serial killer thing could come in handy.

      Thanks for finding my blog. I’m gonna go find yours in a bit….

    • Thanks! Come on back soon…up on the docket next: Photoshop Lessons: How to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf. I dare say this, but I think it’s my best one yet. Thanks for stopping by…I’ll check out your stuff more as well…

  3. Te gusta México ehh?? keep up the good work! I mean, with that pic who would say no?! Haha..the description was just secondary! If one of my friends found her husband on catholic match…. For sure you can find a new gurl!!

  4. Dance, Bum rush the speaker that booms,
    I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom,
    Deadly – when I play a dope melody,
    Anything less than the best is a felony,
    Love it or leave it, You better gain way…..

    That’s about all I got. But I got the bass line down pat if that counts for anything. Ice, ice baby! Got down and dirty to it at all the awkward 7th grade dances…. God those were terrible.

    Turtlenecks Dimwit? I’m not sure I even want to know what that’s about…

    • I suck at math, so look at that. What’s an extra 1,200 miles? The Lunatic, let’s just say I sure am glad we’ve crossed paths, and hopefully one day after all that crossing, maybe we’ll even meet up on the same path. May it be somewhere in an enchanted forest, lots of little critters following us around keeping us company, and then us shewing them away when we need a little privacy if you know what I mean. A boy can dream, and boy am I ever. XO

      • If you don’t find a woman through this blog, I’ll sell my soul to the devil. You seriously have such a selection … though if you don’t at least take me on a date for tea and crumpets, I’ll be sorely upset.

        • I already sold mine. Gotta pretty lousy deal – 4 ounce container of Mott’s applesauce (hm, read my FAQ’s if you haven’t already, otherwise that joke would fall flat, and we wouldn’t want that.)

          Well, this was quite an eloborate scheme of mine to find a soul mate. I’ve been writing for 10 years now…had about 4 blogs. They all sucked. Nobody read them except my mother and a few nice ladies of the church, that I’m sure are not as fond of this one…stuck with writing, figured what the hell. If I keep at it, I’ll hole myself in my apartment, have a successful blog one day, and ladies will be THROWING themselves at me. And now look. See, hard work does pay off.

          Anyway, I’m a big, old flirt. Fact of the matter is, I haven’t had a girlfriend for, I dare say it on a public forum, but for 15 years now. I’m strange like that. Strange in a lot of ways. People person, but I keep to myself a lot of the times, too, and well, it’s hard to find a gal who gets that. Gals want phone calls, daily contact, flowers, wanna now where you at at 3:00 AM, and well they should. That’s the right thing to do. But I guess I wasn’t programmed like that. And so I’ll disappear for a while. Not in a bad mood, or down on my luck or anything. I just like to be left alone sometimes. I don’t mind a hike in the woods by myself, or to lay by the river on a rock in the middle of nowhere by my lonesome. It feels good actually. You can feel the breeze, nobodies talking to you, and you feel the sun, you notice things. You see butterflies, you see critters in the water. And well, you can’t get that experience with another person, at least I don’t think you can. So I stick to myself sometimes, and well, that doesn’t go over too well as far as the dating thing is concerned.

          So anyway, I’m a rambling mess. All that to say this. It would be my honor to take you out on a date for tea and crumpets. I know we haven’t met. But sometimes certain people, you get a sense. Just a few words, they way they type them. You look at their photos, and it tells you a little more. You read a few comments, and sometimes you just get a sense. Well, my senses may off, who knows? But I sense me and you will end up having that tea and crumpet one day. It will be nice, but just so you know, I’ll disappear at some point. Don’t mean to. It just happens. Like I said, I was just programmed that way, I guess. And well, I’ll probably win the award for longest reply on WordPress. I see they give out all kinds of damn awards, so maybe that’ll be the first one I win. Guess I’m gonna go now that I got the award all wrapped up.

          Bye for now tumbleweed….

          – The Dimwit

          • Other people get so lazy with replies (myself included). Off topic: typing this, I heard someone on tv say, “She has been gagged with a disposable diaper.” Not kidding. Is this a sign? Wait, what was my original point? Oh yeah, its flipping awesome that you are so elaborate. Je adore.

            And I think we might do well with crumpets … or strumpets … as I often bail out the back door during social gatherings; so we may as well just skip it all together and meet later. We’ll both understand, so it’s pretty much already a guarantee to be a giddy uppin’ good time.

  5. I am literally obsessed with everything you write! You’re too funny.

    p.s. im down to earth, have a winning smile, good handwriting, love beef jerky, have naturlly dirty blonde hair, have shaved legs, a daring personality, an irresistible charm, very funn, and can do a bitish accent pretty well.
    ….but I live in Californiaa. and not looking to settle down. sorry.

    • Snap! Oh so close to a perfect match. Hard to come across a gal who loves beef jerky and shaves her legs. Damn that distant and time. Well, who knows what the future holds. Maybe distance and time will no longer be an object, you’ll be ready to settle down. I’ll be finished up writing Amazon reviews about the Ting Tings, and we’ll have a go at it. Anyway, I have a bit of time here and I’ll check out your stuff. You seem like a dear. Thanks for the awesome comment and compliment. Cheers!

  6. BUt Do You horsePlay With Horses?
    In Other NeWs, My Phone Is Randomly Capitalizing Words…So Everything I WrIte LookS Like A Title.

    Also, Why The Hell Are You Posting On Dating Sites When You’ve Already Proposed To Me? Wtf, Dude?

    • Gotta keep them options open baby. I thought we talked about this. Guess “good listener” would not be listed as one of your qualities, but fortunately a fantastic french kisser sure is. Horseplay. Damn, missed that one. Cheers!

    • Anytime I subject myelsf to a Guy Fieri show I’m always disgusted by seeing him prepare food with his filth encrusted mafioso wannabe rings still on his fat fingers./germaphobe

  7. eharmony told me they had no matches for me…. apparently, i just wasn’t high fallutin enough for them…. ;-) (no idea how to spell fallutin… is that even a real word or something my Gram made up to explain why people didn’t like her?????? who knows.)

    • Ha! Just responding to old comments, and this one made me laugh. I like that word…fallutin. I don’t know how to spell it either, but it’s a good one. Sorry about the eharmony business. Feel free to use mine and adapt it accordingly. Cheers.

    • Well, ask her nicely. She can join us for a Segway tour and we’ll have a grand, old time. She’s not invited to the tupperward party though, if she’s gonna be sour about the whole deal. Cheers.

    • Please let me know if you’re looking for a arltcie author for your weblog. You have some really great posts and I believe I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some arltcies for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please blast me an e-mail if interested. Kudos!

  8. Ok, I seriously need to witness the Tickle Me Elmo impression and the Garmin British accent. As if the profile pic and the fact that you drink like a fish weren’t enough. I just don’t know how you feel about me being two years past your age limit. Hmmm….😉MAM

  9. Well, Mr. Spelunking, I did award your blog with the Liebster Award. If you go to my blog and see my latest posting about the Liebster award, or click on the link to the Liebster awards and see the second award acceptance it will tell you all you need to know. :) Congrats on an awesome blog!

    • Aw, man! I’m sorry, I missed this somehow. Crap. Well, hope you had a chance to read my apology letter. Listen, I am sorry. I’ll give you a plug for your blog if you’d like coming up. I have a nice post that I’m gonna do on Thursday probably. Well, hopefully you get this message, I’ll go to your site and send another one too just incase (if I can find your address. I have the dangest time clicking around and finding them.) Well, thanks a lot. That’s very cool of you to do. Cheers.

        • My wife and I have been very blessed in our lives. We have also lived tguhroh very tight times ( I. E., blood donations.) We have always felt the love if others. Many times, we picked up the bill for another at a resturant. Other times we paid for another’s groceries. Another time we put together a baby shower for a lady we never met who left an abusive home. Instead of money, we gave a man in the rain a sleeping bag, a coat, and accessories along with a gift card for a meal at Denny’s. When my wife ad I ran into financial issues, we were blessed by people who remained anonymous with a $500 gift card twice. We always asked why. We had a very hard time accepting. Why us? LovePay it forward It will come back when needed

  10. Do you really live with your mother or are you just saying that?’s loss; our find. :) Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking my post. Shame PA is so far away…

    • Aw, thanks sweetie. No, I don’t live with my Mom, but if I don’t get back to work soon, it’s not too far fetched. Might have to brush up on my 5-card Cribbage playing. Got the tea drinking thing down pretty good. Thanks for reading!

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  12. I now understand why your profile was rejected from the dating website. Because YOU’RE TOO DAMN AWESOME, that’s why. If you stepped into the ball game; the successful, suave and sophisticated chumps wouldn’t stand a single chance. Or even sit one.

    You need to come with a warning label.
    God damned hilarious shit, though. For reals.

  13. Very funny! :-) I especially like the connection between the things you like……’horse-riding, horse shoes, horseradish’ very clever.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog.

    • Thanks! It was a late night, no sleep inspiration struck kinda thing. Thanks for reading. I’ll check out your blog some more when I’ve got some time. Hoping you’ll do the same. Cheers.

    • Hannah, Hannah, Hannah. We could’ve been something. I blame Science and that whole men mature slower than women thing. Just too young, wrong timing, and all that stuff. But, hey. At least we had a few good sessions in the cow pasture and at the all boy’s school. Memories….

      PS. I have the default setting for the gravatar thingy to show up as a cartoon monster when people don’t have a pic. Yours is showing up like this green, three eyed monster, with chicken stick legs, and a poofy ponytail on the top of your head. It looks pretty cool, but I liked you better as a human I have to say. Well cheers. Hope you and your gang our well…

  14. Well you can have my wife. She’s got a terrific sense of humour and she will appreciate yours. You will get for free two wonderful kids and some unpaid bills. If you are game, you will find the bills on my desk. By the way, it is very natural that you still have a sense of humor. You’ve got no woman.

    • Hey, thanks for your wife! Very kind of you. None of these other dimwits offered such a thing. And two kids and unpaid bills to boot. I knew if I held out long enough, I’d get a pretty sweet deal to make the wait worthwhile. You’re all right.

      Well, your sense of humor seems to be intact and doing just fine, supposing you were kidding about the wife and kid offer? Cheers my friend. Thanks for reading.

  15. If it’s any consolation, I actually set my account to notify me when anyone includes the words spelunking, Chinaman and cribbage in their profile. I realize it isn’t any consolation. Sue me, I tried.

  16. Genius strategy, homeslice. This way, you get direct access to hundreds of potentials without having to pay the gatekeeper. And if you believe any of these gravatars are real, there are some serious silkies commenting on this thread. Much luck to you!

  17. YOu are a stud dude! Seriously. some lady out there is gonna*#$$ ( those are some of my favorite symbols in that order) *#$$ you silly……now wait, silly? that’s redundant
    She’s out there man. you just have to creep up on her
    keep postin’. you actually made me laugh out loud. I woke up my son

  18. My friend, you are an F-ing genius!

    A girl who is currently following my tales of desperation/awesomeness posted this quote under one of her stories:

    “Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self” -Cyril Connolly

    Although this is true and beautiful, etc, etc. It’s also a load of bollocks as at the end of the day, we all want people to read our shit. And given that the first half of Cyril’s comment clearly applies to me, I take great pride in the fact that a Comedic Jedi Knight like yourself has liked one of my stories…

    Really appreciate it brother. Smithson

  19. I just read this for the second time, and it was just as witty as the first time I read it. Bravo, dear sir. Bravo.

  20. Pingback: Rejected Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> Will You Be My Matey | The Dimwit Diary

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