Rejected Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> A Slam Dunk

Hello, ladies.  Hello, there dimwits.  Hello there once again ladies.   So I made this profile and it got rejected.  Nothing like hopping onto a dating website to make a love connection, and receiving the first rejection right out of the gate.


Whatever, it’s their loss.  That’s what I typed in the comments section of their online customer service form, and then signed it, “Suck on a fat one, you dongs.”

I didn’t get a reply, so I figured I’d give it a shot here on the Dimwit Diary.   C’mon fate, whatch’ya got for me Universe?  The Captain’s on the rebound and he’s looking to score a put back.  Fingers crossed.  Here goes nothing…but hopefully something.

Dimwit Diary Match Dot Com Profile

Hello.  My name is Chris and I enjoy wearing Aspen cologne.  Some of my other favorite fragrances are Brut by Fabergé, Claiborne Curve, Cool Water, Burberry, Tiffany for Men, and Stetson Black.  I guess if you were to categorize me by any one cologne, it would have to be Stetson Black – the sexy, sophisticated fragrance of the American West, with a blend of warm spices & fresh woods.

I have many hobbies and interests.  I enjoy frisbee golf, hacky sack, drum circles, clog dancing, planking, spelunking, spackling, bird watching, barbecue sauce, laser tag, hosting Tupperware parties with my crazy, yet lovable Aunt Leanoa, Segway tours, horse riding, horseshoes, horseradish, horse whispering, horses, dynamite bass fishing, Home Depot, Marco Polo, Ralph Lauren Polo, Polo Chicken, Mexico,  long walks on the beach, Dentyne Ice, flash mobs, flash animation, Flash Gordon, Jeff Gordon, Gordon Ramsey, pickles, reciting trivia facts on the Bailundo Revolt of 1902, building sandcastles, White Castle, my friend John Castle, curly straws, roller skating, ant farms, organic farms, horse farms, horse races, horse shows, horse jockeys, horse basketball, horsing around, horses, jalapeño peppers, Scattergories, allegories, John Tesh, and performing my infamous Tickle Me Elmo impersonation at fancy dinner parties, just to name a few.

I am a real movie buff.  I have purchased over 1,000 illegal copies of DVDs from a Chinaman down the street, but my all time favorite movie is “The Legend of Bagger Vance” starring Will Smith.  While I tend to enjoy most genres of movies, my favorite movies are the ones that depict the story of down-and-out golfers who discover the meaning of life through a mystical caddy.   Yours should be, too.

I was ready to give up on dating all together after the previous girl I dated turned out to be on America’s Top 100 Wanted Criminals, and I had to turn her in after we finished eating a delicious dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, then I saw her face plastered on all 70 of their giant ass, flat screen TVs.   I was through with dating, but a friend of mine told me to try this dating site out to “Score you a put back, home slizzle.”  I still wasn’t convinced, however.

I’ve never been much of a balla’ as my favorite rap artist, Bubba Sparxxx, likes to spit mad rhymes about, but I’m ready to get back in the game after moving back in with my mother at age 35, and holding many late night conversations with her while playing five-card Cribbage, sipping citrus lavender hot tea, and sharing inspirational, heartwarming tales of triumphant love and fuzzy romance.

I am looking for a boo who is nice, down to earth, has great penmanship, a winning smile, a passion for turtlenecks, can recite all the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby, prefers Jack Link’s Original Hickory Smokehouse beef jerky, has sandy blond hair, enjoys playing teacher / naughty school boy role playing, has shaved legs, trimmed mustache, a daring personality, witty charm, and can do a hilarious, British accent like my Garmin GPS.

If you have any questions, just ask me.  I’m currently unemployed and usually just sitting around the house all day watching videos of bizarre animal mating rituals, so chances are I’ll be able to get back to you pretty quickly.

Hit me up, buttercup.  This balla’ is ready to make a slam dunk.

* Serious inquiries only *

210 thoughts on “Rejected Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> A Slam Dunk

  1. You are quite the catch. If I were only 30 years younger and lived closer, I would be banging down your door.

  2. I think your standards are just way to high for them. Ya know? I can say I know many women with daring personalities and winning smiles, but a passion for turtlenecks and beef jerky? I think Miss Elizabeth Bennet herself would certainly have aspired to be such an accomplished and fascinating woman. I have to say I am disappointed I do not live up to these high expectations… I was so looking forward to our elopement. The unicorns will have to remain in their shiny pink glittery fairy infested stables for a little while longer. Keep searching My Dear Dimwit Friend!! Love is just around the corner, and probably smells like Britney Spears Fantasy (kiwi, white chocolate, musk, and a hint of lychee)…

    • You give up too easy. We’re still eloping. It’s just I’m a little broke until I’m back to work, and can’t afford to come sweep you off your feet just yet. Can’t wait to have our 12 unicorn babies, or was it 18? I can’t remember. Anyway, thanks dear. X0

      • 12 my love! I think my lady parts would cease to function if we tried to have 18. And that would be no fun… Well this is good news anyhow. I’ll tell the unicorns the can stop crying their little unicorn tears. Just last night I heard them singing ‘Yesterday’. What is the species coming to if they can’t mourn someone else’s relationship without breaking out into a Beatles number instead of sleeping? Poor mutant horses…

  3. Last date on I watched from the ferry landing as he was arrested for some kind of controlled substance that was pulled out of his pocket. They nabbed my dreamboat for pulling a wild ass doughnut in front of Colman Dock. I think he liked me and was trying to impress me. Or he forgot it was a one way street and remembered too late. I went down while he was being cuffed so he’d know I was there for him. I even showed him my phone, but judging by the curses I think he to the wrong idea.

    • That’s some story! Wow, you picked some kind of winner, huh? If I didn’t know any better, that’s one of those tall tales the dimwit likes to tell. Anyway, maybe this isn’t the place to do it, but I’m doing it anyway. I wanted to give your site a plug in this little thing I have worked up for my next post. Wanted to know if that would be all right? If you don’t want me to, that’s fine. Just wanted to run the idea by you. Keep kickin’ ass.

  4. Wow! I can’t believe they rejected that… you’re quite a catch! The women should be lining up at any moment…

    …..any moment….

    ……… the sound of silence is kind of deafening, huh?

    If I weren’t already partnered, I’d try to convince you to turn gay, so we could go out … we’d save lots of money on cologne. But, I’ll just have to stare longingly at your rejected profile pic…

    …. and, (looking around)…. I know the ladies will be here any minute…

    • HA! Nice one John. It is pretty silent around these parts. Not sure what’s going on. Maybe I outta consider pairing down the hobbies for the next round. Just keep it to horses, keep it simple. Anyway, congrats on having a partner. Hope he’s a swell guy like yourself. I’m sure he is. Thanks for reading and making me laugh, and yes, even gay guys can make me blush, so thanks for that as well.

        • That’s swell of you to ask. No, people still use it. It’s the new men’s fashion trend. Love ya Johnny boy. You have a good spirit about you. I can sense it, and I am a sensor after all, and just wanted to tell you that. It’s pretty swell.

  5. clearly noone at that site has a sense of humour considering the retards that are on there (I know that’s not pc and mean no offence to those with a genuine handicap or disability. I use the term ‘retards’ to mock those who are idiodic through their own poor choices).

    Do they have the ‘Blendr’ app in the US? Give it a shot, but be careful, I know healthcare is pretty shit for the unemployed so you may need to proceed with caution and look after your health.

    PS don’t accidentally download the similar app Gindr…

    • Ha! Thanks for the tips mate. I think we do have the Blendr app. Figured I’d give this a shot first. Seems to be going swimmingly, but if I ever need, I’ll consider the app. Thanks for stopping by and cheers from the dimwit.

    • Ha! Well, yes. The bar has been set, but it’s good to have a high goal to aim for. I’ll help you write a profile if you ever need, or you can use one of my old ones. I have about 60 of them. Not quite as good, but might do the trick. Cheers.

  6. Gee have no idea what their problem is! I mean look at that profile pic, speaks volumes already. Must be the whole buying illegal DVDs.

  7. hacky sack!, drum circles!! barbecue sauce!!!

    Obviously you were rejected because those b*tches were jealous of your sophisticated and diverse array of interests … oh and that pic of course.

    • Yes, I think so. And I told them so. I keep writing them to remind them so too, but they refuse to write me back. Thanks for the funny comment and for reading. I’ll be off to check out your site some more…Cheers.

  8. Don’t sweat it, dude. They’re just trying to put you in a nice box, the kind you buy from Staples and assemble yourself, even though it takes half an hour because you lack the ability to imagine objects three-dimensionally. But I digress. I was rejected by eHarmony for being bisexual, British and not properly divorced. Judgmental fucks ;) I’m taken now (copped off with a bloke I work with — high five!), which is a shame, because I really enjoy ant farms and drug circles. Never mind. You’re a winner. Hope you find your mustachioed dream lady soon, bro!

    • Ha! Funny ass comment making me laugh. Glad you digressed there, you were starting to sound a little like the dimwit for a second. Glad you found a bloke (that’s a great word; we don’t use that one here, but might have to start giving it a go.) I digress. Well thanks for the kind words and for the smiles and the likes. You seem like a swell person.

      • Cheers! (Another good Britishism.) I realise now that I wrote ‘drug circles’ instead of ‘drum circles’, which was definitely a Freudian slip of some sort because I’ve been to lots of parties but I only ever played the bongos that one time when I was high ;) Catch you later, Dimwit. Thanks for the continued amusements.

  9. I literally just sorted red wine out of my nose while reading this. You have a splendiforously charming sense of humour! I’m hooked. Good luck woth the next profile – may I be so bold as to suggest not including Gordon Ramsey in your list of interests? I for one am completely terrified of him, lest he descend on my kitchen and hurl abuse as I poach eggs or shave chocolate for my nightly ice cream. MJ x

    • Ha! Well glad you get the dimwit wit. It’s nice when people share the same sense of humor. Most times I’m on the bus or something laughing my ass off at something dimwitted, like some old guy wearing a Miley Cyrus shirt or something, and I’m thinking, “How’s this old guy own a Miley Cyrus shirt? How does that happen? Did he buy it? Or who bought it for him?” And then my mind runs with it, kinda like it’s doing now, and I run it by everyone on the bus, and nobody else sees the humor. So short answer: THANKS! XO

    • Oh so close….Can you do a Fat Albert impersonation? I’d almost prefer a gal who can do a good Fat Albert over a British GPS accent. Well, thanks for reading and sorry it wasn’t a match. But I still love you. XO

  10. All of your horses and horse xxx enchanted me :)
    Good luck for your soulmate seeking here. Just your dimwit diary is enough. No better charm is better than someone who is willing to laugh at themselves and also put smile/giggle/chuckle on others.
    Don’t bother to apply those dating sites!

    • Ha, thanks! Yeah, in all honesty, I had a profile for a bit – the free one. And I just couldn’t take it seriously. I truly did get several profiles rejected, and made a simple one eventually just to scope it out, and wasn’t for me. But I’m happy for others when it works out for them. Anyway, thanks for reading!

      • Frankly speaking, I used to get rejected from one dating site when I tried to submit photo profile 3 times like no matter what the different length shots of ordinary woman in cloth, they were not good enough so I came to the point that … what the xxxx? and gave up … anyway, thanks for writing and replying :)

    • I live in Utah and \”fires started by taergt shooters\” is something heard on the news every year. Especially in the area just West of Utah lake (very popular place for open country shooting). The Governor has threatened to call a special session of the legislature to address the situation, meaning creating \”no-shoot\” days, or something equally effective. Personally, I\’d like to see the state invest in a large public range in that area, as that would be a win on both sides.

  11. All you need is someone to accept you exactly as you are! My husband and I were best friends until we realized that we’d never meet anyone like us! So we… the rest is history LOL (also, I met him by calling the police on his obnoxious party!)

  12. If only I could find something to control my facial hair and could overcome the choking feeling that turtlenecks give me, I think we could really have a shot! I can’t believe they would reject this profile!! How can anyone reject a man who loves horseradish and lives with his momma??

    Seriously though? A few months ago I gave up internet dating for good. I never had any luck at it; if you’ve read my blog it’s pretty obvious. I just couldn’t take it anymore! lol

    • I do intend to do some reading of fellow bloggers, and will give yours a good reading and spanking, because I’m sure based on the several posts I’ve read already, it’s naughty. I’ve been naughty too. A naughty little school boy. Shave that mustache and give me a bad, bad spanking. Love ya Fat Bottom Girl. Truly do. XO

  13. You enjoy spackling, too? It’s so odd you say that because my fiance makes fun of me because I have a tendency to go spackling crazy. I just hate when the walls aren’t flush and completely smooth.

    If you really did submit this (considering your penchant for the absurd yet believable posts i.e. John Stamos letter), I wonder how they determined it was unsuitable. Does have an automated filter or is it someone’s job to read every profile that comes in and reject or accept it? Could you imagine having THAT job? It’d be hilarious.

    • I knew there was a reason I liked you, Libby. We’re spackling soul mates. Not enough people have an appreciation for a good spackling nowadays.

      Anyway, I’m busy listening to Bon Jovi and putting together the next Photoshop tutorial: How to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf, and I will respond to comments later tonight, but had to address this one.

      I actually did submit this to, as well as about a dozen others that were rejected. There are certain word filters, like a firewall, that trigger the rejection. I can only imagine what the word/words were in this case. Probably horses is all I can figure. But if at first you don’t succeed, try try again. So I keep writing more and submitting, figuring one of these days I’ll capture the holy grail.

      Thanks for all your comments. Good times. Back to some Jon Bon Jovi and wolves…

    • True, true. And that’s what I’ve written them now 67 times to remind them. Still no response. Guessing their customer service is down or something. Thanks as always for reading and your lovely comments. They make me smile :)

  14. seems to me you’d have more luck if you had said you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain and since we all know you, being a dimwit, have a least half a brain you should be set and hey i really don’t understand why they don’t like the whole long walks on the beach bit? seems fairly standard. :) i absolutely loved this! you’re so freakin’ funny. that picture is the best and all the horse stuff and running from one topic to the next is brilliant. i really would have thought all that slang talk coming from a pretty “white” guy would have seriously helped also. total mystery. :) thanks for putting a smile on my face.

    • Ha! And same here. Love reading your comments. They’re always gushing full of smiles and sunshine and unicorns and horses. You seem lovely, and I’m sure that you are. Thanks for reading!

  15. You are lovely funny! This post made my Monday morning.
    Your profile and picture is positively alluring. The mention of Aspen cologne brought back memories of working at the Walgreen’s counter. I’m pretty sure we are perfect for each other by the way – I hate horseradish, I have auburnish brown hair, I love long walks in the forest and am outside of the 50 mile Pittsburgh radius. Oh wait, maybe not. I have a Breyer horse collection.

      • Hahahahaha….I sure did say horses….I mean HORSES! As my soulmate, you must check out They are very popular with girls…and teenage girls…and it continues into womanhood. :) They even have an Elvis riding a horse model now. My great aunt would enjoy that one I think.

        You are so nice for answering all these postings. You will find someone someday with your humor and giving personality. It just takes longer for love to happen for some of us. I would rather wait then give in and tackle life with passion in the meantime….though I hope I am younger than 90 when love happens. :) Take care! XO back at you.

  16. I made a fake one on eharmony, all crazycakes and full of angst, and got a shitton of responses. It makes me question out society in general… Truly amazing what 13 cat references and some cleavage can do.

    • Ha! God, you’re delivery and wit and sarcasm is just great. I’m gonna go check out your stuff some more. Have a bit of time, and well, a gal with bright ass pink hair in her profile’s gotta be all right. 13 cat references and cleavage, huh? Might have to give that one a shot myself sometime. Cheers to you.

  17. I have never been happier to have someone like a post of mine so that I venture over to their page for a look. I was snort-laughing (super sexy, I know) reading your stream of consciousness list of hobbies and interests. has really missed the mark.

    • Ha! Well it wasn’t quite a snort-laugh, but a big, old smile stretched across the dingaling dimwit’s face when he read your comment. Thanks, it felt warm and nice. Hope you’ll come back for a little more madness sometime. Cheers.

    • Yes, it’s taken me 35 years to finally figure it out, but by god, I think I’m onto something. Switched out the wardrobe, and it’s all button-ups and hoodies and lots of ladies from here on out. Thanks for reading, you sound hippy.

  18. Oh I still laughing about you drink like a fish ahahahaha… :D Nooo you don’t write that! ahahaha
    personally I dont have And I like more your picture in this profile than the one you post on that ;)

  19. As soon as I got to the pic on this Weird Al Yankovic’s White and Nerdy popped into my head. I love that song.

    Keep writing and I’ll keep coming back to get some relief from my own writing!

      • You would have to include a picture of your “man parts” to really make it work on Craigslist, so I agree with your decision.

        Also, glad to hear about your love of horses. If you were to put that on Craigslist, I would define the term “love” more clearly.

  20. Pingback: Rejected Dating Profile – – – – – – – – A Slam Dunk: From, The Dimwit Diary | Open Explainer

  21. Laughing again. With all those hobbies I think you may struggle to hold down a relationship, sorry my friend but think you’re gonna have to give up one of them ;) my favourite cologne is sex panther or London gentleman.

    • Sex Panther, huh? Well that sounds naughty. I like it. Yes, well I took your advice and decided to drop horseradish for the next crack. Let’s hope it lands me a fish, for the dimwit who drinks like a fish. Cheers!

  22. Can’t believe they rejected that. Crazy fools. You sound great. Sometimes if I trim my moustache though it just makes it 100 times worse! Or do you like the pricklyness?

    Good luck with your quest :)

    • Hey, thanks! I don’t mind a little prickle here and there. Makes you feel alive, you know. Pricking is all right, and you’re even better.

      Ps. I love those two french kissing girls in your profile pic. Just wanted to pass that along. Thanks for the comment. It made me smile like two girls with prickly mustaches french kissing. Hope you don’t find that offensive. I think love is beautiful, and if it’s two girls with mustaches french kissing? Even better. Well, I’m rambling again, so gonna go.

      – The Dimwit

  23. Perhaps doing the duck face in your pose would have distracted them from the stellar content of your profile. I think it’s a winner personally.

  24. I found Love in the produce department at my local Walmart.

    I recognized love at first sight, thankfully I needed carrots for my signature dish,carrot stir fry with carrot puree. Love was shopping for carrots as well since ya know, Love is blind.

    Good luck and may the Force be with you … always.

  25. I have been delaying writing you, as what I had to say was probably not going to be taken well….but then what happens???…..I visit you and hear about you posting a profile on looking for someone else, already. Talk about a short and bittersweet honeymoon. I guess it doesn’t matter now what I tell you…..I’ve been cheating on you. He came into my life with a bang and I became addicted quickly, what with all the pinning, the likes and the boards were we could be together. How could I resist??? I was going to beg your forgiveness and tell you that it was only obsession and had absolutely NOTHING to do with us and our blog-love. Pinterest used charm so effectively, I was blindsided. I guess since I was already cheating on you, that it’s only fair that I allow you to continue with your search. We will always have our blog-love, and that will have to be enough for us. Call me if and when you want/need a bootie call.
    Your Blog-Wife
    P.S. What do I tell the blogkids????

    • OH MY GOOD LORD IN HEAVENS ABOVE this is just too good. The best comment yet, and there have been a lot of them for the ding dong, dingaling, dimwit to go through with a slam dunk profile like this and all. You have outdone yourself blog-wife. I’ve been a naughty school boy, and I do hope you’ll spank me for being such a bad, bad boy. Tell the blogkids daddy’s run out to the store, and when they ask why it’s been taking him 3 months to come back, make up some shit about Santa Clause. Kids will believe anything. Love you dearly, blog-wife of mine. Truly do.

      The dingaling

      • Spanking is one of my specailities…thought I told you so on our wedding night???? Oh well, there were so many other things on my mind, who could blame me for forgetting. I see you mentioned “TIGERS” in your most recent post, and I have to say that (if I didn’t mention it before as well), that I’m a tiger, as in born in the year of the TIGER……RWARR!!!
        The blogkids haven’t even noticed that you’re gone. Pinterest has them enthralled. Shame on them for not missing their blogdad, dimwit that he is and all. You are inspiring me…..hopefully in a good way….to begin writing down all what is going on in my mind. Now I just have to screw up the courage to actually do it!!! Pun intended on the screwing up and doing it!!!!.

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