Funny, Outrageous Reviews – Unicorns & Skulls

Sometimes I get drunk on Franzia boxed wine and submit funny, outrageous product reviews online.  It is awesome.  This installment of reviews is about unicorns and skulls.

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Amazon Review:  The Unicorn Castle Tee

Besides the obvious reasons to gush about the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt – the gorgeous lavender colors, the mighty and magical pose of the unicorn frolicking about in an isolated patch of green meadow field, the warm sparkle bursts of pinks and yellows gleaming from its golden, long spiraled horn, the splash of rainbow colors sweeping across the sky, and of course, the guardian castle nestled soundly in the clouds, as if it were keeping a watchful eye over the pure, white mystical unicorn beauty – I was not expecting to be writing a gushing review about how many compliments I received while wearing the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt at the monster truck rally the other night.  Sheesh.  It was exhilarating!

When I first received the T-shirt as a birthday present from my grandmother, I thought the unicorn was a little feminine and too cutesy for a 35 year old man to be wearing around in public.  However, my good friends assured me that the T-shirt looked great on me even though it was a size too small and fit rather snugly.  They also informed me that unicorns are the hottest new men’s fashion trend this season, and that every guy is wearing them.  They’re always up on those sorts of things, so I took their word for it and decided to wear the unicorn shirt to the monster truck rally that weekend.

As my buddies and I made our way to our seats, I received compliment after compliment, many of which I had never even heard of before:  anal jabber, turd burglar, butt buddy, corn holer, knob jockey, poo pusher, pillow biter, butt pirate, pole smoker, sausage bandit, anal assassin, bone smuggler, fudgepacker, and someone even called me Abigale.

At first, I was growing quite concerned that the compliments weren’t compliments at all.  I thought they might be homosexual slurs by the way all of the burly, intoxicated men were yelling so loudly and gnashing their teeth at me.  They seemed ravenous.  Almost like there was a fire behind their eyes.  But my friends assured me that they were just yelling because the monster trucks were so loud.  I guess the foamy mouthed men really did admire my magical Unicorn Castle T-Shirt, because the compliments continued to be hurled at me for the entire course of the three hour event.  It felt wonderful to be so appreciated!

So my compliment to you Amazon:  thank you for the confidence boost.  I’ve never felt so loved in all of my life.  I would imagine this is a very small sampling of what it must feel like to be a famous actor.  I can’t wait to show off the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt at the gun show this weekend!!!

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Sounds-From-Nowheresville

iTunes Review:  The Ting Tings “Sounds From Nowheresville” CD

Hello, I’ve never done one of these things before so I don’t know who to address this to exactly, but this is Brandon’s mother.  I found this vile piece of filth in his bedroom this morning when he was off to school receiving an education, something the Ting Tings clearly have gone without.

First of all, what on Earth is a Ting Ting?  Is that some kind of drug reference for smoking marijuana joints?  I only hope so, not because I’m delighted to know that my son is more than likely using the recreational substance based upon the 12 foot, life sized cobra snake bong that I found in his closet, but because one would have to be stoned out of their mind to listen to this kind of garbage.

After the graphic shock of seeing a skull faced man and woman with torn, ratty clothes, and disheveled hair, I must say that I was rather intrigued by the cover art as to what kind of Satanic influenced, Devil worshiping music that my son was pumping into his 15 year old, impressionable ears.

And after spending close to an hour trying to figure out how to play the CD in Brandon’s stereo,  and inadvertently stumbling across his extensive collection of chubby chaser porno graphical videos, I can’t say that I was all too surprised by the blast of screeching guitars and garbled nonsense that came pumping out of the speakers.

Our Father who art in Heaven, have mercy on the Ting Ting, thick brained skulls, because I can’t promise I’ll be as kind if I ever get a hold of you two tingleberries.

Here’s some advice:   take a cue from the title of your first track, and remain SILENT from here on out.  Take your music and bury it deep in NOWHERESVILLE where it belongs.  And here’s a final piece of advice:  take the suggestion from the title of your last track, and go get some HELP!   You obviously need it, and so will my son when he gets home from school in another hour.

– Brandon’s Mom

53 thoughts on “Funny, Outrageous Reviews – Unicorns & Skulls

    • Thanks for reading you tingleberry! I must confess, I am a lover of unicorns and if I wasn’t so broke at the moment, I would be wearing that magical, beauty of a shirt this very moment (and every moment for the rest of my life.) I will own that shirt one day, and it will be making another appearance on the Dimwit Diary at some point, I’m sure. Cheers!

    • That was fun! I got the same lead-in as others, that reivttaiy is first and foremost a form of expression: it creates a special link between the internal and external worlds. I guess, but what really fit was this “you have to be strong enough not to let yourself get swept away by chaotic impulses”. Spot on. As soon as I read about any creative projects, I start collecting the necessary equipment in my mind. I have many half-finished ones lying around the house… :-)

  1. I hadn’t heard about the unicorn trend being the current thing. Yet another sign that I’m older and not as cool as I like to believe. I can see why it’s so popular though, that shirt is fucking tits! The only thing that could possibly make it cooler is if there was a cat riding on the back of that beautiful beast. That or a tiger. Tigers make everything cool.

    • YES! Tigers are way bomb diggity (a cool slang phrase the young kids are using these days, and brought to my attention by my fellow dimwit, Bob. Use that phrase, wear a unicorn T-Shirt, and you be the coolest Dad ever when your kids have friends over to the house.) I may or may not have a tiger posed photo of myself that I’ll be using if I make it to 1,000 followers. Oh yeah. It is bomb diggity.

    • No, it feels kinda nice most the time. Thank you for asking. But I swear, I jump every time I see that little girl, nose picking profile of yours. Too awesome. Sometimes people need a good jump and an appreciation for the unusual. Have a good weekend Sassy Panties!

    • You must have an awesome husband. Unicorns and skulls are my favorites, and I also like jelly beans – the black ones that taste like rubber tires that nobody else seems to like. Does your husband also like black, rubber tire tasting jelly beans? Please ask him for me. And tell him the Dimwit says hello. He will be intrigued by the question and then be forced to find out who this Dimwit is all about, then I can ask him weird questions for myself. Thanks for the comment!

      • :D Having a good giggle at that. I’ll definitely tell him that Dimwit says hello. Will be interesting to see the reaction. Hmm, black jelly beans – I have no idea. I’ll have to ask him that at the same time as sending your greetings

        • This is the best one yet! I love that Wil has fond memories of shonpipg at K-Mart for Star Wars action figures. I remember sitting on the floor in front of the huge wall of Star Wars action figures looking in vain for the Tonka Twins from the Cantina. I could have stared at it for hours. I\’m glad Wil and I had the same lack of control for impulse shonpipg. Instead of buying quality Star Wars toys, I always ended up buying some cheap E.T. or My Little Pony knockoff.

    • That was a good one, right?! I have no idea where it came from. It wasn’t the Franzia speaking when I wrote that. That came from a different place of dimwitted brilliance. Probably from all those tingleberries that I was observing when I was writing this at the bookstore. Thanks for the comment!

  2. As a manly looking guy, I get a kick out of wearing stuff like pink, mismatched pastel socks, or a feminine looking hat. (I once proudly wore a unicorn shirt, though one less flammable than the one you pictured.) What better way to prove you’re really tough than to wear apparel that invites others to question your stereotypically defined masculinity?

    • Yes, exactly! We spend most of our lives trying to stuff each other into these categories, and shapes, and groups, and who the hell cares. You are who you are, and if you’re a burly looking guy, and you want to wear a castle cloud unicorn shirt to the monster truck rally, then go for it. I write with a lot of social commentary undertones, and those that are too busy stuffing usually don’t get it, and they sometimes think, hey, that guy isn’t a dimwit. He’s an asshole. And there they go stuffing again. Anyways, I’m glad to hear you are not one of those. Cheers to you! Thanks for the comment.

    • Yes he is! He’s gotta lot of explaining to do. Reminds of when my Mom found a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD “Blood Sugar Sex Magik” when me and my brothers were teenagers. She read all the lyrics on the inside, back when people actually bought CD’s and the music labels took the time to print out the lyrics to all the songs. Well, that didn’t work out in our favor.

      We were at the beach with our Dad, and when we came back, it was like my Mom was performing an exorcism on us or something. She was convinced of all the places the devil could live, he was living inside of us! So we had a lot of explaining to do as well. I think I’ll listen to that CD tonight. It’s been a long time. Thanks for the comment!

    • YES! I only wished my Photoshop skills were better, because these are the sorts of shirts I would like to design. Unicorns, and castle clouds, and such. Well, you know how everybody has these really bright teeth nowadays? I’ve been thinking of this PHotoshop tutorial to teach those maybe on a stricter budget how to Photoshop their teeth so in pictures, when they smile, it will blind the hell out of people like all those people who can afford real, actual white teeth. So stay tuned! You won’t want to miss that one.

      • Oh shit. You are right. I do not want to miss out on that. I will stay tuned! Hurry up and work on those Photoshop skills cause I want a shirt with castle clouds and such.

    • YES! And that is why I love all my fellow dimwits for their kind, witty comments. That’s a brilliant idea that needs to be explored further. I know just the guy who’s pretty decent at Photoshop and has these really wild ideas, too (but he’s a terrible dance for what it’s worth.) Maybe I’ll design a prototype, and of course give you the credit. Enjoy that Franzia and I will do the same.

  3. So now that my husband is rested and no longer imminently writing an internal medicine exam I read him your work. He laughed but he says we can’t talk anymore because I’m the female version of you. I countered that I’m shorter and less eloquent. Regardless Mr. Hinton, I find you hilariously funny. I really do hope you submitted those reviews to Amazon, if only to confuse the people who receive them.

    I’d say that Amazon would find it funny but I’m the only person I know who has been hung up on by telemarketers.
    The people selling new windows don’t like it when you tell them that you don’t need new windows you need klonopin for your father who has taped up all the windows because he think it’s the French revolution. Or if they don’t have klonopin do they at least have ear plugs?

    • Well, cripes. You must be married to a doctor or something. I didn’t know what the hell a klingon or whatever that word is, so I had to look it up. I’m strange like that. Half my life, I’m looking up words. I don’t have a TV and I work in the film biz. Strange right? Who has time to watch TV when there’s words to be looked up. I don’t read books either. Well, very rarely. Really strange because I fancy myself to be an author someday. Well, rest assured if that day ever comes, it’s gonna have some real winner for words, and maybe I’ll even find a way to work klonopin in there somehow, and that word will make all the difference from it being a lousy, stinker or a classic. I’m going with classic. You gotta dream big. What’s another word for big, because big doesn’t actually sound all that big of a word, you know?

      I looked it up. WHOPPER. That’s it! I tell some whopper for tales, and whopper is bigger than big any old day. Your story gave me a whopper of a laugh, too, so thanks for that. Boy, we can both really ramble on, huh? Well, tell your husband he better watch out. No, I don’t mean that. I’m actually a nice boy despite the spitting, cursing mouth. Tell him I said hello. Hello is much nicer to say than “watch out.”

      Well, cheers to you and to klinggy whatever. I already forgot how to spell it, so I gotta go look it up again. Take care.

    • Well if unicorns and Ting Tings get ya all hot and bothered, stay tuned. I love you too. And yes, I do submit drunken reviews, but mostly they get rejected. Jokes on them though. Bet they didn’t account for me having this here fancy blog to post ’em to. I’ve got some goodies…Thanks for the love.

      • It’s hilarious! They’re allowed to reject them? That’s just communist.

        I’d boycott but that’s where I do all of my Christmas shopping and I’m too lazy to go to a real store with real people. Such is life… :)

  4. Okay, all of you droolers out there. I get to claim “mom” as my title. I know this purple t-shirt unicorn man gone Tingleberry funny. PS Yes, he is even funny in “real life”!

    • Oh shit! My Mom’s here guys, so chill out with all the cursing and sexual innuendos, already. Well, sorry ma. You’re kinda stuck with me, but the other dimwits always have a choice. I’ve written a really good advice column about masterbation that I’ll be posting next week. Aren’t you proud of your son, mother?!! You always said I could do it, and now look. By the way, I need to borrow 3 grand. We’ll chat later….

  5. Although the T-shirt is, of course, sublimely amazing. I wouldn’t wear an ill fitting unicorn T-shirt around large gatherings of children if I were you, or you might look like a very dim witted sex offender trying to blend in with his prey. A paedophile (wolf) in lavender unicorn castle (sheep’s) clothing, if you will.

  6. The way you described the fit of the unicorn t-shirt reminds me of my big 2x poop brown beavis and butt head shirt. It’s got their faces on it and they are huge. Probably makes me look like a dude. I love it though. One of these days I’m gonna blog my favorite t-shirts I own or my friends own.

    • That shirt sounds awesome! And it really makes me want to watch Beavis and Butt Head. Thanks for the reminder. Gotta work them into a guest blog somehow. If you ever make that blog, be sure to let the dimwit know. Thanks for the comment and cheers.

  7. I will move to the United States of Awesomeness and we will elope together, and all our 12 babies will where unicorn castle t-shirts and we will tuck them into bed singing Ting Tings lullabies and we will be the coolest family on earth, so cool that they will want us to do reality TV but we will say NO! PISS OFF YOU WEIRD BABY STALKERS and we will ride off into the forest on shiny unicorns where we will live on… tingleberries??

  8. I’m just wondering…uh. Are you, like, joking or something about the unicorn tee? Like sarcasm, or something? I only say that because as I sit here typing I am wearing a rainbow unicorn cloud head band…well, I WAS wearing it. Now, even tho I’m bald, due to chemotherapy, and my head is cold, I really don’t want to be uncool. So….what is it? If you check my blog you will find me WITH THE SCARF and without. In which do I seem cooler? I am waiting with bated breathe.

    • HA! Well, I will be off to check it out, but this comment intrigued me too much, so had to reply.

      Firstly, sorry to hear about the chemo. Hope things are going well and that you’re kicking ass and taking names.

      Secondly, I don’t ever use sarcasm. Just kidding. That was sarcasm. No, I actually love unicorns. I don’t see how anyone couldn’t. It’s like babies and cats. How can anyone dislike a baby or cat, but the cool thing about unicorns, is they fart rainbows, which is even better than cleaning litter boxes and changing diapers.

      Thirdly, I would also like to own a rainbow unicorn cloud head band some day. A dimwit’s gotta dream.

      Will follow and check out your blog more later…thanks, dear.

  9. I want that shirt too!! Although it is very manly, I think (being a girl) I could still pull it off.
    And, thanks for liking my blog post. :)

    • Sorry, just sobered up from a 4 week bender and saw this. 3 boxes. Did you say a day or week? 3 boxes a day. Sike. I’m poor right now so I haven’t had a drop in about 2 weeks. It sucks, but it’s good for productivity. Hope you’re well FBG.

      • I find that most of the time, I am much more productive while drinking, especially when it comes to out some writing. Alcohol really gets the creative juices flowing. Guess I must be like Hemingway in that respect, but a lot less popular. hahaha

  10. Pingback: Stepping on the Toes Stuck Out to Trip Me | Corvidae in the Fields

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