Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Sparkly Vampire Twilight Poster

Photoshop is a very useful tool.  It can be used for all sorts of things, like designing websites, retouching photos, or turning a homoeratic photo of you and your brother into a dazzling, sparkling Twilight poster that all of your friends will surely marvel over, such as this delightful gem.

001 Sparkly Vampire Twilight Poster

For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to make your very own sparkly vampire Twilight poster.  Don’t worry if you’re a Photoshop novice and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, or if you don’t use Photoshop at all.  There are plenty of bad jokes I’ll be telling throughout the tutorial, so feel free to read along no matter what your Photoshop skill level may be.  Let’s get this Photoshop party started, shall we?

Step 1:  Pour A Shot Of Whiskey

Let’s face it, Photoshop can be really boring.  Retouching photos is a tedious process, that’s why I like to pour myself a shot of whiskey before I begin no matter if it’s morning, noon or night.  It really helps to get the creative juices flowing.  I also like to design crudely drawn stick figure logos that I send to advertising agencies looking to hire a skilled graphic designer, but that’s another lesson for another time.

My drink of choice is Makers Mark, but any old kind of whiskey will do for achieving great success.  Bottoms up.  You are now ready to roll up the sleeves and begin today’s lesson.

Whiskey Glass

Step 2:  Choose A Photo To Begin With

Choosing the right photo to begin with is paramount if you’re to end up with a stellar finished piece.  For this demonstration, I chose a photo of my brother and I when we paused for a impromptu maternity photo shoot in the middle of the woods for some inexplainable reason.

If you don’t have a maternity photo of your own to work with, no worries.  Choose a photo where you are looking off in the distance all dreamy like and whatnot, just like your all time favoritest actors Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner.  Below is the original, untouched photo that I will be using for this tutorial.

003 Chris and Joe Maternity Photo

Step 3:  Removing The Background; Magnets Are Pretty Cool

The background of the original photo isn’t awful, but it doesn’t exactly scream werewolves and vampires.  It needs to be replaced with something more enchanting to really create that mysterious, fantasy world effect.  But first, I’m going to remove the original background.

There are multiple tools available in Photoshop for making selections.  No doubt I will be recommending that you use the most unfavorable tool by professional designers, being that I was usually out playing ultimate frisbee rather then attending my graphic design classes in college.  I’ll drink to $60,000 dollars down the tubes and to racking up a massive debt.  Three cheers for frisbee!  Damn you frisbee.  You ruined my life.

Now that you are slightly buzzed, go to the upper left hand corner and select the Lasso Tool.  I usually prefer the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the drop down menu primarily because I think magnets are pretty cool.  I enjoy collecting them and hanging them on my fridge just like my late Nana used to do.  I’ve collected magnets from 32 states and 8 different countries, and also a magnet of Fabio that was given to me as a gag gift.

004 Team Jacob

Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove.  Carefully make your selection, then hit the delete button.  Presto!  The original background is removed from the photo and you should end up with an isolated layer that looks like so.

005 I Want To Marry Edward Cullen And Have His Vampire Babies!!!!!

Step 4:  Replace The Original Background With An Image Stolen From The Internet

Now it’s time to replace the original background.  I did a Google search for “Fantasy Forest Backgrounds” and found a lot of great photos to steal.  I downloaded about 10 photos to play around with before settling on this one.  You may have to try a photo that’s lighter, darker, or a different color depending on the lighting of your original photo.  Experiment with different images and choose a background photo that you like best.  You are doing great!  You will be a sparkly vampire in no time.

006 I Read All Four Books In The Twilight Series!!!!!

Step 5:  Human Skin Is The Worst

In the original photo, you notice that our skin looks way too human.  It’s red and orange, and it sure doesn’t look like the kind of skin that can make you run faster than a mountain lion or stop a moving car with your bare hands.  Let’s take another drink and fix that.

Similar to how I made a selection to remove the background, I will now make a selection of the unsightly human skin to add to a new layer.  It might look a little strange for now, but that’s probably because you’ve been drinking way too much, you silly goose!  Quit farting around and put the whiskey down.  Your selection should look something like this.

007 Fabio

Oh, hey there.  Didn’t mean to include a photo of Fabio that I lifted from the Official Fabio International Fan Club wearing his leather jacket, with thumb tucked into his mom jeans looking ever so el casuél.

I think maybe I’ve had one too many drinks myself.  Here is the isolated skin selection that I meant to include.  We look like we were dipped in acid.

008 Twilight Is The Greatest Love Story Ever Told!!!!

Step 6:  Make Yourself Sparkle 

I sure miss grandma.  She made the best banana loaf bread.  I wish that she had been born a vampire and didn’t age since 1918 just like Edward, but alas, grandma was born a mortal like Bella Swan and died of chronic liver disease.  I hope this tutorial has been fun and enlightening so far.  Now let’s wrap it up, shall we dimwits?

You are probably feeling pretty good by now, so I won’t go into too many boring details unless you wanna pay me lots of cash monies so that I can eat tonight.  No?  Okay, moving on.

To make the skin pasty white – you know, because vampires hate light, except for the fact that the vampires in Twilight walked around in the daylight all the time, but we won’t get into that here, now will we –  I adjusted the levels using the Selective Color, Gradient Map, and Exposure tools found in the Layers drop down menu.  I also added an outer glow to the layer of me awkwardly straddling my brother using Layer Styles.  It’s looking pretty fly for two pasty white guys.  The sparkly vampire Twilight poster is nearly complete.

009 Kristen Stewart Should Win An Academy Award For Her Fine Acting Skills!!!!

Step 7:  Get Punched In The Face

The poster is lacking something to give it that final punch.  It needs more Fabio.  Because what is a sparkly vampire Twilight poster without some long hair flowing, chisel-chested Fabio staring dreamily at us with those engaging eyes.  Punch us in the face, Fabio, but please go gentle with our hearts.

I’d like to raise one last toast.  To the fabulous Fabio, ladies and gentlemen, to my fellow dimwits.  Prepare to keep those glasses raised, because you will be the toast of the town when you reveal your finished poster to your friends and colleagues.

010 Fabio Ladies And Gentlemen...FABIO!!!!!!!

Congratulations on becoming the newest Hollywood star of the greatest movie series ever made, and cheers to you for a job well done.  That concludes the Photoshop tutorial for today.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop yourself into a Manotaur with a Mike Tyson face tattoo.

111 thoughts on “Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Sparkly Vampire Twilight Poster

  1. This was ridiculously brillant. No wonder Mancakes is in love with you!

    Ps- I don’t have a sibling…but are those type of photos with romance novel style posing normal? :)

    • Haha thanks, dear! My brother is my best friend so I think that’s normal??? You are asking the wrong person for advice on normal, however. Funny you should mention romance novel…my next post is excerpts from my hot, steamy romance novel, I kid you not. Thanks for the comment! Cheers.

  2. Thanks for the like! I really enjoyed reading you blog cracked me up. I can’t wait to try this on a picture of my sister and I. I mean I’m not sure what gets better than sparkly vampire siblings.

      • Ciao Nino,Daiiii dimmi quale foto e perche8? hahah, sei simpatico.Wilma non voevla sapere di essere ripresa, continuava a muoversi (io la spaventava arrivando da dietro..)e abbiamo messo un bel pf2 per convincerla! Con l’alce, Moose, invece ho subito instaurato un bel rapporto di amicizia sai, dovevamo girare una scena a letto insieme..baci, fili.

  3. Lol, I love my PSP.. my boyfriend is a Leo, and I am always adding Lions to my pictures… they are so spectacular.. making the eyes meet between a girl and her lion is the key…. Love your pic… loved that you shared this great art, thanks … it is really cool that your brother is your best friend..

  4. This is so helpful. I have never used photoshop because I’m still stuck in the 20th century. I’m a cheapass who uses the free sites that I come across on the internet. I’m pretty sure that I can incorporate these tips.Thanks, you’re fabulous. :)

    • Bob my man, if you do need some help, feel free to hit me up. I’m a dimwit but I might be able to aim you in the right direction. No promises, but I’ll do my best. Thanks you cheapass!

    • Thanks Don! Despite my misguided Photoshop persona that I like to project, I’m actually a bit of a whiz. If you ever branch out, feel free to hit me up for advice. But you’re buying the Makers Mark damnit. I’m a poor ass broke joke at the moment. Cheers my friend.

    • ciao fil, e’ stata davvero una bella puttana di finale di stagione!!!Tu semplicemente deliziosa! Chanel ti si addice proprio!!A questo punto ti aspettiamo a citta’ di castello. a quando ???baci e ancora complimenti syp.s. anche lo spot e’ troppo carino!!!

  5. I am quite disturbed by how much knowledge you have of Twilight. I must admit I am in possession of a maternity polaroid shot of my brother, but it was taken after a rather large meal of Mexican, and I think it might be a turd baby he’s gestating, l(

    • It’s called Google, honey. I am a research master. I’ve actually only watched the last Twilight because my friends tricked me into it. Touching story about your turd baby brother! Thanks for sharing, my dear. :)

    • In a few years, mom jeans are going to make a comeback, and you better believe Fabio will be the poster child. Still waiting on those reader submissions, but if I do receive any, I’ll manage a post. It will be sparkly magic!

  6. I am sure this picture originally had a woman in the arms of the man with dark glass..and he never was wearing any in the picture..when it was taken..and the other dude..he doesn’t look much like a vampire..nope..he looks like umh..hmmm.the guy who needs a haircut..so he should be in the fashion mag..and mostly..if I am correct..ffashion world vampire are much too attractive to scare anyone..I mean eyes get glued to them and who is looking at other two cuddle party..okay..I really admire your sharing secrets..good..but.women are better when it comes to evil..imagine a woman sitting in the arms but got burning eyes and blood dripping from lips…hmmmmmm ..from the other side ;)

  7. Frisbee was your downfall in undergrad, huh? I feel ya (not in the awkward way you’re feeling up your brother here, unless you have cash…then, hey! c’mere!)
    My undergrad downfall was the mexican place, the margaritas, and the fucking music theory class that met FIVE days a week. I turned it into a Tuesday and Thursday class while I hit up La Siesta with other music major slackers.

  8. Well, replace whiskey with a gin and tonic and some Pandora radio…then *poof*, my muse magically appears. I always wanted to know how to make my own sparkly, oh so awe inspiring meme of myself as a vampire (I don’t think that any of my brothers would go for it though). Totally need this blog today after another hellish one at work. Thanks for stopping by and you’ve added a new follower!

    • Hi Jack,I’m sorry I couldn’t wait in line long enuogh to get to actually see you last night! Susan Boettner and I got there right at 4 and there was already a big line . we were so happy for you! We did get to see and talk with your dad (who we work with) and I watched you get interviewed. I’m glad you had such a successful evening and you looked just great! We are so proud of you!!! I’m really glad I got you to sign my book before the actual book signing evening or I never would have gotten your autograph ..Keep up the good work. I still pray for you and your family often.Warm regards and big hugs . one of these day in person Julie-Ann

  9. Just wanted you to know that your “like” on my Stinky Tenants post put me over the top for the most likes in one day that I’ve ever received…which is like 2…so THANKS, DUDE! ALSO – I’m totally buying some Maker’s Mark on the way home so that I can get shitfaced and open this post and commence with the dreamy vampirey photo-collage I’ve been planning since reading your post. You’re rad. Don’t ever change. (Somehow this turned into an awkward yearbook thing…) Also – I’m following you. I hope you’re happy now.

    • I will always remember the good times we had, skipping class, making out in the back of my dad’s Oldsmobile. Fishing. Who could forget the fishing? Shit. Good luck in all that you do.

      – Chris

  10. Hands down the funniest post I have read this (and any week probably) top work! I will now be pouring a creative whisky for work time every time now, it’s gotta help right!? I learnt a lot too. For info I found you through your like so thank you for that too ;)

    • / / Felicitaciones a mi super auspiciadores, agmios, confidentes. Esta es una prueba de que cuando nos propones una meta y un suef1o, los logros acordes a e9ste se te ponen en el camino, o te llevan en un super BMW 325i que sf3lo Fabio Galdi y Wor(l)d puede hacer realidad. Gracias por todo el apoyo incondicional que han tenido conmigo y con mi equipo y seguiremos en el camino de los nuevos multimillonarios del network marketing en tiempo re9cord, mil bendiciones, los quiero muuuucho!!!!!!!!!

  11. Fabio is apparently Team Edward. We gotta find a Fabio “duckface” photo somewhere… it would be the ultimate final touch. Bravo on this post, best I have read in a long time!

      • I like rest. In fact, I’m resting today. My cofnosiun isn’t in the goodness of rest or sabbath or time with family. I basically agree with what you’re saying. My cofnosiun is in the implications of what you’re saying. The MLK quote you used in the footnote makes me wonder. Does he use the illustration of gigantic buildings and bridges to inspire the listener of what humans are capable of? Or, is there a judgment placed on the building of a bridge in a world where homeless people exist?Would it be wrong had you chosen to put the books on your shelf in the same day as building it?

      • More insurance cash could possibly be conserved if automobiles were produced in order to reduce house injury sustained in slight accidents. On the List OF QuotesChimp that ought to be necessitated would be these.

    • Well I’m there for you. When you’re ready, these tutorials will surely make you a master. Twilight posters, and Manotaurs with Mike Tyson face tattoos. Won’t your friends be envious ;) Keep at it and thanks for reading!

  12. Awesome! I’d give real money to know how to make them actually sparkle. I don’t have real money, though, which complicates things. I do have some old photos from the Jacquelyn Smith Fan Club laying around (that I can’t quite account for). That gives me an idea…

  13. Oh god. What a weird coincidence. I just took a maternity photo with my sister the other day while frolicking through the woods. Now I know what to do with it! Sweet mother’s day gift idea. Think I’ll put it on a mug or t-shirt.

    • HAHAHA. Nice. Glad to know my brother and I aren’t the only weirdos. But here’s the even stranger part of the story that I left out…this photo was taken by my brother’s pregnant wife who was frolicking in the woods with us. She probably wouldn’t made the more likely candidate for a maternity photo, but we told her to sit this one out. We got this. And now look. A tutorial that is helping people sparkle and shine all over the place. And yes, you should go for the mug or the Tee. It would be lovely. Thanks for the comment and cheers!

  14. I just laughed out aloud in the law school library several times, and have been given many death glares, all because of this post. You’re hilarious! Glad I chanced upon this blog :)

    • It’s rare, but there’s always that chance. Could you imagine hiking through the woods with the family and coming across this scene? The parents would have some explaining to do to the kids. Thanks for reading!

  15. Technically very good, but emotionally? Spiritually? Not enough Fabio!

    Lets have an Avengers poster with Iron Fabio and The Incredible Fabio with Captain Fabio. That would be sweet;)

  16. Very, very funny and also helpfully for doing serious and unserious stuff like yours with CSX, I really laughed out quite loud by seeing that last poster, I´m gonna looking around your blog a little more.
    Lovely E.

  17. Pingback: Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Yourself In a Pop Up Tent With A Ferocious Wolf | The Dimwit Diary

  18. Pingback: Because everything’s better when there’s a unicorn involved. | The Prolific Fox

  19. I needed to be rnimeded of this. I’m building a rather large deck for my house, and I use every waking moment working on it at the expense of family time and rest time. One day it was raining, so I couldn’t work on it, so I sat inside and played with my two girls and 7-month old boy. How refreshing that was! I couldn’t quite place why that was so satisfying. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Justin.P.S. You HAVE to get back to Ohio soon

  20. Too funny for words! With a hint of real usefulness! I don’t use Photoshop, but should I ever have the need, I’ll definitely refer back to this. Or even if I don’t have a need, and just want to laugh out loud again!

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