Photoshop is a very useful tool. It can be used for all sorts of things, like designing websites, retouching photos, or turning a homoeratic photo of you and your brother into a dazzling, sparkling Twilight poster that all of your friends will surely marvel over, such as this delightful gem.
For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to make your very own sparkly vampire Twilight poster. Don’t worry if you’re a Photoshop novice and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, or if you don’t use Photoshop at all. There are plenty of bad jokes I’ll be telling throughout the tutorial, so feel free to read along no matter what your Photoshop skill level may be. Let’s get this Photoshop party started, shall we?
Step 1: Pour A Shot Of Whiskey
Let’s face it, Photoshop can be really boring. Retouching photos is a tedious process, that’s why I like to pour myself a shot of whiskey before I begin no matter if it’s morning, noon or night. It really helps to get the creative juices flowing. I also like to design crudely drawn stick figure logos that I send to advertising agencies looking to hire a skilled graphic designer, but that’s another lesson for another time.
My drink of choice is Makers Mark, but any old kind of whiskey will do for achieving great success. Bottoms up. You are now ready to roll up the sleeves and begin today’s lesson.
Step 2: Choose A Photo To Begin With
Choosing the right photo to begin with is paramount if you’re to end up with a stellar finished piece. For this demonstration, I chose a photo of my brother and I when we paused for a impromptu maternity photo shoot in the middle of the woods for some inexplainable reason.
If you don’t have a maternity photo of your own to work with, no worries. Choose a photo where you are looking off in the distance all dreamy like and whatnot, just like your all time favoritest actors Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner. Below is the original, untouched photo that I will be using for this tutorial.
Step 3: Removing The Background; Magnets Are Pretty Cool
The background of the original photo isn’t awful, but it doesn’t exactly scream werewolves and vampires. It needs to be replaced with something more enchanting to really create that mysterious, fantasy world effect. But first, I’m going to remove the original background.
There are multiple tools available in Photoshop for making selections. No doubt I will be recommending that you use the most unfavorable tool by professional designers, being that I was usually out playing ultimate frisbee rather then attending my graphic design classes in college. I’ll drink to $60,000 dollars down the tubes and to racking up a massive debt. Three cheers for frisbee! Damn you frisbee. You ruined my life.
Now that you are slightly buzzed, go to the upper left hand corner and select the Lasso Tool. I usually prefer the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the drop down menu primarily because I think magnets are pretty cool. I enjoy collecting them and hanging them on my fridge just like my late Nana used to do. I’ve collected magnets from 32 states and 8 different countries, and also a magnet of Fabio that was given to me as a gag gift.
Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove. Carefully make your selection, then hit the delete button. Presto! The original background is removed from the photo and you should end up with an isolated layer that looks like so.
Step 4: Replace The Original Background With An Image Stolen From The Internet
Now it’s time to replace the original background. I did a Google search for “Fantasy Forest Backgrounds” and found a lot of great photos to steal. I downloaded about 10 photos to play around with before settling on this one. You may have to try a photo that’s lighter, darker, or a different color depending on the lighting of your original photo. Experiment with different images and choose a background photo that you like best. You are doing great! You will be a sparkly vampire in no time.
Step 5: Human Skin Is The Worst
In the original photo, you notice that our skin looks way too human. It’s red and orange, and it sure doesn’t look like the kind of skin that can make you run faster than a mountain lion or stop a moving car with your bare hands. Let’s take another drink and fix that.
Similar to how I made a selection to remove the background, I will now make a selection of the unsightly human skin to add to a new layer. It might look a little strange for now, but that’s probably because you’ve been drinking way too much, you silly goose! Quit farting around and put the whiskey down. Your selection should look something like this.
Oh, hey there. Didn’t mean to include a photo of Fabio that I lifted from the Official Fabio International Fan Club wearing his leather jacket, with thumb tucked into his mom jeans looking ever so el casuél.
I think maybe I’ve had one too many drinks myself. Here is the isolated skin selection that I meant to include. We look like we were dipped in acid.
Step 6: Make Yourself Sparkle
I sure miss grandma. She made the best banana loaf bread. I wish that she had been born a vampire and didn’t age since 1918 just like Edward, but alas, grandma was born a mortal like Bella Swan and died of chronic liver disease. I hope this tutorial has been fun and enlightening so far. Now let’s wrap it up, shall we dimwits?
You are probably feeling pretty good by now, so I won’t go into too many boring details unless you wanna pay me lots of cash monies so that I can eat tonight. No? Okay, moving on.
To make the skin pasty white – you know, because vampires hate light, except for the fact that the vampires in Twilight walked around in the daylight all the time, but we won’t get into that here, now will we – I adjusted the levels using the Selective Color, Gradient Map, and Exposure tools found in the Layers drop down menu. I also added an outer glow to the layer of me awkwardly straddling my brother using Layer Styles. It’s looking pretty fly for two pasty white guys. The sparkly vampire Twilight poster is nearly complete.
Step 7: Get Punched In The Face
The poster is lacking something to give it that final punch. It needs more Fabio. Because what is a sparkly vampire Twilight poster without some long hair flowing, chisel-chested Fabio staring dreamily at us with those engaging eyes. Punch us in the face, Fabio, but please go gentle with our hearts.
I’d like to raise one last toast. To the fabulous Fabio, ladies and gentlemen, to my fellow dimwits. Prepare to keep those glasses raised, because you will be the toast of the town when you reveal your finished poster to your friends and colleagues.
Congratulations on becoming the newest Hollywood star of the greatest movie series ever made, and cheers to you for a job well done. That concludes the Photoshop tutorial for today. Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop yourself into a Manotaur with a Mike Tyson face tattoo.
This was ridiculously brillant. No wonder Mancakes is in love with you!
Ps- I don’t have a sibling…but are those type of photos with romance novel style posing normal? :)
Haha thanks, dear! My brother is my best friend so I think that’s normal??? You are asking the wrong person for advice on normal, however. Funny you should mention romance novel…my next post is excerpts from my hot, steamy romance novel, I kid you not. Thanks for the comment! Cheers.
This was really funny, I appreciated the humour (and tutorial). I might just go and make one of these myself now….
Hey, thanks! Please do make a sparkly vampire Twilight poster and send it to me if you do. Maybe we could do a follow up post some of all the submissions. Anyway, thanks for the comment. It really means a lot to me!
You bet! I’ll hold you to it ;)
Well, I did indeed make one. It has werewolves.
This makes me giggle! =D Humorously charming. Yes!
P/S: Thanks for liking my post earlier! :)
Giggle giggle giggle. YES! Thanks so much for the comment. Glad I could make you giggle!
Thanks for the like! I really enjoyed reading you blog cracked me up. I can’t wait to try this on a picture of my sister and I. I mean I’m not sure what gets better than sparkly vampire siblings.
Haha, true. Sparkly, sibling vampires is the bond that keeps us together. Please share if you do make a poster. Thanks so much for the comment!
Ciao Nino,Daiiii dimmi quale foto e perche8? hahah, sei simpatico.Wilma non voevla sapere di essere ripresa, continuava a muoversi (io la spaventava arrivando da dietro..)e abbiamo messo un bel pf2 per convincerla! Con l’alce, Moose, invece ho subito instaurato un bel rapporto di amicizia sai, dovevamo girare una scena a letto insieme..baci, fili.
I am so glad I found your blog.
I’m even more gladder! Is that a word? Please keep reading for more uses of poor grammar. Seriously though, thanks!
Lol, I love my PSP.. my boyfriend is a Leo, and I am always adding Lions to my pictures… they are so spectacular.. making the eyes meet between a girl and her lion is the key…. Love your pic… loved that you shared this great art, thanks … it is really cool that your brother is your best friend..
Shit it’s late and I’m drunk. I thought PSP was a form of drug. It is though really. That’s awesome about the lions and your boyfriend! Wishing you the best. And thanks for reading!
Cheers pal. I do apipcerate the writing.
This is so helpful. I have never used photoshop because I’m still stuck in the 20th century. I’m a cheapass who uses the free sites that I come across on the internet. I’m pretty sure that I can incorporate these tips.Thanks, you’re fabulous. :)
Bob my man, if you do need some help, feel free to hit me up. I’m a dimwit but I might be able to aim you in the right direction. No promises, but I’ll do my best. Thanks you cheapass!
I never touch either of my brothers with anything but a closed fist, but I enjoy Makers Mark and dream of being able to use photoshop. Well done, sir.
Thanks Don! Despite my misguided Photoshop persona that I like to project, I’m actually a bit of a whiz. If you ever branch out, feel free to hit me up for advice. But you’re buying the Makers Mark damnit. I’m a poor ass broke joke at the moment. Cheers my friend.
Oh I’ve never bought a bottle of it myself, it’s like $40 even at Sams Club! I mooch it from others pretty regularly though.
The addition of that guy in the end is a manifestation of brilliance and an element of sweet surprise.
That guy??? That’s FABIO damnit! Thanks just Marge. Can I call you Marge instead of just Marge? Anyway, thanks for the comment.
ciao fil, e’ stata davvero una bella puttana di finale di stagione!!!Tu semplicemente deliziosa! Chanel ti si addice proprio!!A questo punto ti aspettiamo a citta’ di castello. a quando ???baci e ancora complimenti syp.s. anche lo spot e’ troppo carino!!!
I am quite disturbed by how much knowledge you have of Twilight. I must admit I am in possession of a maternity polaroid shot of my brother, but it was taken after a rather large meal of Mexican, and I think it might be a turd baby he’s gestating, l(
It’s called Google, honey. I am a research master. I’ve actually only watched the last Twilight because my friends tricked me into it. Touching story about your turd baby brother! Thanks for sharing, my dear. :)
Fabio and his mom jeans have given us so much! Bahahaha. I loved this post. Looking forward to the follow up with reader submissions!
In a few years, mom jeans are going to make a comeback, and you better believe Fabio will be the poster child. Still waiting on those reader submissions, but if I do receive any, I’ll manage a post. It will be sparkly magic!
You should write a romance novel out of that poster you made.
Ha! Thanks, but I’ve got a few more tricks up my sleeve. I’ll be posting excerpts of my romance novel on Sunday with a pretty endearing cover, so stay tuned! Thanks for the comment.
Photoshop with soul, I feel college editing courses would be worthwhile if taught like this. Cheers!
I am sure this picture originally had a woman in the arms of the man with dark glass..and he never was wearing any in the picture..when it was taken..and the other dude..he doesn’t look much like a vampire..nope..he looks like umh..hmmm.the guy who needs a haircut..so he should be in the fashion mag..and mostly..if I am correct..ffashion world vampire are much too attractive to scare anyone..I mean eyes get glued to them and who is looking at other two cuddle party..okay..I really admire your sharing secrets..good..but.women are better when it comes to evil..imagine a woman sitting in the arms but got burning eyes and blood dripping from lips…hmmmmmm ..from the other side ;)
Well, it seems you have vast knowledge of the vampire world. We men all know that deep down inside you women are vampires with your burning evil desires. Seduce us. Suck our…blood. Cheers from the other side.
hee hee ..beware
I knew I was doing something wrong… Remember, whiskey, not vodka
YES! It’s all about the whiskey. Never drink a clear beverage if you’re to achieve Photoshop greatness (ie: water; it is Kryptonite to creativity.)
Thanks for helping me to see things in a diereffnt light.
Check that off the list of things I was confused about.
You are hillarious! Love love love your blog!
And I love love love you! Thanks for the comment!
Love that this is the first post I receive notification of since coming across and following your blog last night! Hilarious!
Ha, you poor soul. You better start following some more people of substance. But seriously, thanks for the kind remarks! I’ll try to flood your reader with dimwitted smut as often as I can. :)
As far as I’m concerned, with practical lessons such as this you are performing a public service.
There is something sick and beautiful about that picture. I want it as my background.
DO IT! It would be way more sick if I did, but for you it’s acceptable. DO IT!
Frisbee was your downfall in undergrad, huh? I feel ya (not in the awkward way you’re feeling up your brother here, unless you have cash…then, hey! c’mere!)
My undergrad downfall was the mexican place, the margaritas, and the fucking music theory class that met FIVE days a week. I turned it into a Tuesday and Thursday class while I hit up La Siesta with other music major slackers.
HAHAHAHA. Can I leave it at that, because your comment made me laugh out loud. Not an easy thing to do. I want to buy you a margarita sometime.
Deal! make your way to bum-fuck Tennessee!
A rolling stone is worth two in the bush, thanks to this arcetli.
Well, replace whiskey with a gin and tonic and some Pandora radio…then *poof*, my muse magically appears. I always wanted to know how to make my own sparkly, oh so awe inspiring meme of myself as a vampire (I don’t think that any of my brothers would go for it though). Totally need this blog today after another hellish one at work. Thanks for stopping by and you’ve added a new follower!
Sorry about the hellish work day! Sparkly vampires always seem to make it a little bit better. Glad I could contribute in a small way to a better day. Thanks for following!
Laughed my way through this. SUPER funny!!!
Humor aside, it was actually a pretty decent tutorial!Made everything sound easy and simply.
Thanks! I’ll be here all night. Well, actually not. I’m drunk and about ready to pass out for the evening. Thanks for the comment!
Hi Jack,I’m sorry I couldn’t wait in line long enuogh to get to actually see you last night! Susan Boettner and I got there right at 4 and there was already a big line . we were so happy for you! We did get to see and talk with your dad (who we work with) and I watched you get interviewed. I’m glad you had such a successful evening and you looked just great! We are so proud of you!!! I’m really glad I got you to sign my book before the actual book signing evening or I never would have gotten your autograph ..Keep up the good work. I still pray for you and your family often.Warm regards and big hugs . one of these day in person Julie-Ann
That hits the target perfectly. Thanks!
You really are just a life altering experience on legs, Chris. LIFE ALTERING.
Like, whoa. Life altering?!! You clearly need some more Richard Simmons sweatin to the oldies in your life That is some life altering shit. Thanks….Heather. I know your real name now!
Just wanted you to know that your “like” on my Stinky Tenants post put me over the top for the most likes in one day that I’ve ever received…which is like 2…so THANKS, DUDE! ALSO – I’m totally buying some Maker’s Mark on the way home so that I can get shitfaced and open this post and commence with the dreamy vampirey photo-collage I’ve been planning since reading your post. You’re rad. Don’t ever change. (Somehow this turned into an awkward yearbook thing…) Also – I’m following you. I hope you’re happy now.
I will always remember the good times we had, skipping class, making out in the back of my dad’s Oldsmobile. Fishing. Who could forget the fishing? Shit. Good luck in all that you do.
I’m more impressed that you were able to trace around the background and skin with such precision after having had a scotch or two! Seriously though, good post :)
Practice makes perfect. I get drunk a lot, so it was pretty easy. Thanks for the comment!
LOL. Well it’s good work so now I’m not sure whether to say ‘Keep up the good work’ or umm ‘Keep up the drinking’ lol… so I’m just going to say… the practice is certainly paying off :D
Hands down the funniest post I have read this (and any week probably) top work! I will now be pouring a creative whisky for work time every time now, it’s gotta help right!? I learnt a lot too. For info I found you through your like so thank you for that too ;)
YES! It’s good to be tops, so thanks for that kind remark. Pour some whiskey, and fly. Fly like the wind and become a Photoshop wizard. Thanks!
I was so confused about what to buy, but this makes it undatsrandeble.
/ / Felicitaciones a mi super auspiciadores, agmios, confidentes. Esta es una prueba de que cuando nos propones una meta y un suef1o, los logros acordes a e9ste se te ponen en el camino, o te llevan en un super BMW 325i que sf3lo Fabio Galdi y Wor(l)d puede hacer realidad. Gracias por todo el apoyo incondicional que han tenido conmigo y con mi equipo y seguiremos en el camino de los nuevos multimillonarios del network marketing en tiempo re9cord, mil bendiciones, los quiero muuuucho!!!!!!!!!
Fabio is apparently Team Edward. We gotta find a Fabio “duckface” photo somewhere… it would be the ultimate final touch. Bravo on this post, best I have read in a long time!
Thanks! Fabio, Team Edward, blah. Team Katelyn all the way!
Im making up t-shirts right now!
p.s. Duckface Fabio, hard to find. Goose-face fabio, abundant.
Oh shit! What is going on here? Thanks for the bloody link. I needed to sober up before bed. Damn!
You are hilarious. I could (and may) read your entire blog history in one sitting. Thanks for the laughs, and the tutorial!
Oh you’re welcome. Thanks for reading. The old stuff is okay, but only for die-hards to be honest. Save it for a rainy day, but I hope you’ll keep reading the new stuff!
at the end… that was halarious
Hey thanks! It’s all about the punch line. Course a little Fabio doesn’t hurt either. Thanks for reading!
I like rest. In fact, I’m resting today. My cofnosiun isn’t in the goodness of rest or sabbath or time with family. I basically agree with what you’re saying. My cofnosiun is in the implications of what you’re saying. The MLK quote you used in the footnote makes me wonder. Does he use the illustration of gigantic buildings and bridges to inspire the listener of what humans are capable of? Or, is there a judgment placed on the building of a bridge in a world where homeless people exist?Would it be wrong had you chosen to put the books on your shelf in the same day as building it?
More insurance cash could possibly be conserved if automobiles were produced in order to reduce house injury sustained in slight accidents. On the List OF QuotesChimp that ought to be necessitated would be these.
I’ve just started to grapple with paint.net – be a while yet before I’m ready to tackle photoshop :oops:
Well I’m there for you. When you’re ready, these tutorials will surely make you a master. Twilight posters, and Manotaurs with Mike Tyson face tattoos. Won’t your friends be envious ;) Keep at it and thanks for reading!
Awesome! I’d give real money to know how to make them actually sparkle. I don’t have real money, though, which complicates things. I do have some old photos from the Jacquelyn Smith Fan Club laying around (that I can’t quite account for). That gives me an idea…
HA! Just going through comments to respond and came across this gem. Awesome and cheers to you, Jason. I wanna see that Jacquelyn Smith poster. Let me know if you hit any snags…
Oh god. What a weird coincidence. I just took a maternity photo with my sister the other day while frolicking through the woods. Now I know what to do with it! Sweet mother’s day gift idea. Think I’ll put it on a mug or t-shirt.
HAHAHA. Nice. Glad to know my brother and I aren’t the only weirdos. But here’s the even stranger part of the story that I left out…this photo was taken by my brother’s pregnant wife who was frolicking in the woods with us. She probably wouldn’t made the more likely candidate for a maternity photo, but we told her to sit this one out. We got this. And now look. A tutorial that is helping people sparkle and shine all over the place. And yes, you should go for the mug or the Tee. It would be lovely. Thanks for the comment and cheers!
I strive for spectacularness and making up words like spectacularness. Thanks for giving it a read!
Thanks! It was a fun one to put together. Whiskey, Fabio, sparkly vampires. I think that’s what they refer to as the “Holy Grail.” Thanks for reading.
I just laughed out aloud in the law school library several times, and have been given many death glares, all because of this post. You’re hilarious! Glad I chanced upon this blog :)
Agreed Moral Hazard. I was at work in an “open environment” and got the same looks.
Hey, thanks for the kind remarks! Sorry about those death stares, but now you know how to turn yourself into a sparkly vampire, and exact your revenge if they get too hostile. Glad you chanced upon this blog as well. Thanks for reading.
Love it!! Although, I keep goofing up and repeating step 1. I’m ok with it though, and obliviously happy!! 😉 MAM
HA! Best goof ever, I do declare. Keep at it you goofball and cheers!
I could use these tips for my photoshops! But where to find two men staged on a large bolder? Love it!
It’s rare, but there’s always that chance. Could you imagine hiking through the woods with the family and coming across this scene? The parents would have some explaining to do to the kids. Thanks for reading!
I could use these tips for my photoshop pics. But where to find two men staged on a large bolder!? Love it
Technically very good, but emotionally? Spiritually? Not enough Fabio!
Lets have an Avengers poster with Iron Fabio and The Incredible Fabio with Captain Fabio. That would be sweet;)
I like where you’re going with this whole Avengers, Fabio thing. Sounds like a good follow up. Cheers!
Great insthgi! That’s the answer we’ve been looking for.
Very, very funny and also helpfully for doing serious and unserious stuff like yours with CSX, I really laughed out quite loud by seeing that last poster, I´m gonna looking around your blog a little more.
Thanks for looking! Hope you didn’t go blind. Some shocking images around here for sure. Cheers!
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This is great! I’ve start started playing with Photoshop myself, think I found my first prank, er project! Thanks for sharing, very witty :)
Hey thanks! Hopefully you’ll come back for some more tutorials. Got a good one with Mary Poppins coming up (maybe next week.) You’ll be a Photoshop whiz in no time! Cheers.
Hi Chris, thank you for the photoshop tips. And I don’t drink :-)
If only Fabio was actually in it!
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I needed to be rnimeded of this. I’m building a rather large deck for my house, and I use every waking moment working on it at the expense of family time and rest time. One day it was raining, so I couldn’t work on it, so I sat inside and played with my two girls and 7-month old boy. How refreshing that was! I couldn’t quite place why that was so satisfying. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Justin.P.S. You HAVE to get back to Ohio soon
Too funny for words! With a hint of real usefulness! I don’t use Photoshop, but should I ever have the need, I’ll definitely refer back to this. Or even if I don’t have a need, and just want to laugh out loud again!
Best PS tut EVAH! This is precisely why I love the Dimwit Diaries!