500 Followers – A Thank You

Well slap my ass and call me Sally, fellow dimwits.  500 uber sexy, wonderfully talented, witty, kind, and delightfully mischievous followers.  I can die peacefully now.  Seriously though, slap my ass or pinch me, because that’s pretty cool.

Once again, a simple thank you didn’t seem to be thanks enough.  I was thinking of another way to show my appreciation for all the wonderful feedback, kind remarks, and marriage proposals that I’ve received this past week.  So how’s about an autographed photo of me wearing obnoxiously short shorts, a pair of old grandpa blue blockers, an official NBA logo headband, and a cut-off T-shirt revealing just a touch of my fatty McFat McDonald’s french fries eating fat gut.

Yep, that outta do it.  Thanks, dimwits.  It means a lot.

Dimwit Diary Winner

So originally when I started this blog, I was going to mainly post musings about my daily life.  Things like my favorite ice cream flavor, how the wind was really windy today, and how this girl I really like named Beyoncé told me that she thinks we’re soul mates.  You know. Traditional diary type stuff, so that’s why I named my blog the Dimwit Diary.  But I’ve come to realize that I don’t really write much about my daily life musings.  My writing is mostly about feathered hair, whether it be mine or Sally Jessy Raphael’s.

It’s probably for the better that I stick to writing outlandish, made-up stories and keep creating Photoshop madness instead of the daily journal thing.  There was a time when I used to write about my daily life, and it was an incredibly drudging read.   Here is an example of one of my old, boring ramblings.

*  *  *  *

Dearest Delightful Diary,

Today I went to Barnes & Nobles to do some writing.  Wait, is it Noble or Nobles.  I always get that so confused.  Anyway, dearest diary of mine, sweet leather bound entrusted confidant, it doesn’t really matter if the Noble is pluralized or not.  The reason that I’m writing is to tell you about two things that happened to me today.

#1)  I ordered a grande Americano, extra hot, no cream, and the gal who wrung me up took my name down as Chris.  While they were making the drink, I went to secure a table, and not 30 seconds later, I heard them call out my name.

“Chrissy.  Your drink is ready.”

I thought, now those rude sonsofbitches calling me a girl’s name like that.  I mean, Chris can be a man or a woman’s name, sure.  But clearly I am a man, and to shout out Chrissy in public like that was humiliating.  It brought back all of those nightmarish memories from high school when the other boys used call me Chrissy and told me to tuck my wiener like a vagina, because I’m a little sissy girl.  You know how high school boys can be so mean sometimes.

Well, I went to get my drink and give them a piece of my mind, but it turns out the girl who ordered before me’s name is Chrissy.  Isn’t that hysterical, Double D?!!  I had a good old laugh with the barista over that one, but not before I called her a skanky ho and we got things all sorted out.

#2)  Later in the day, the gentlemen sitting next to me had to go urinate.  He musta thought I looked like a trusting soul, so he asked if I wouldn’t mind watching his stuff.  I told him that’d be fine, unless he was going number two, because I wasn’t going to sit there all day looking at his computer while he squeezed out a turd.  He assured me that he was going number one, and after I made him do a pinky swear promise, I begrudgingly agreed to keep an eye on his stuff.

As I’m sitting there though, I was thinking about how everyone at bookstores asks you to watch their stuff all the time.  It never fails.  I mean, what if I was a crook?  I could have a real field day stealing people’s laptops at Barnes & Noble (I asked the friendly barista; it is Noble and not Nobles.)

I was sitting there for a long, long time.  Too long.  The guy clearly lied to me, probably because he was too embarrassed to admit that he had to take a number two, so when he finally came back, I told him, “Listen here, you mathematically challenged imbecile.  That was a number two, wasn’t it?  You were dropping the kids off at the pool, and don’t try to tell me that you weren’t.”

Of course he denied the whole thing.  We got into a BIG shouting match in the bookstore.  He swore on his mother’s grave that he took a number one and not a number two, but I know better.  I’ve watched a lot of people’s stuff over the years, and that was the very last time I’ll ever do it again.

Oh – I forgot.  One more thing.

#3)  Today the wind was VERY windy and I ate a pistachio flavored ice cream.

*  *  *  *

Okay, so maybe it’s not all that boring, but I enjoy writing the variety bits better.   I’ve also enjoyed reading through some of your daily musings whenever I get a moment to do so.

Lots of good stuff coming up on the dimwit docket, so stay tuned.  I’ll be sharing excerpts from a romance novel that I’m writing, more Photoshop tutorials, a ridiculous advice column called “Chris Cares,” and some other general silliness.  Hopefully it will give ya a good laugh, maybe even some coffee spitting, belly-busting fits as well.  The world could stand a little more laughter and I’m just the right kind of simple-minded bonehead to deliver.

Thanks again for reading and following, you dimwitted half-breeds.

Yours fondly,

Chris Hinton
The Captain of the Dimwits

104 thoughts on “500 Followers – A Thank You

  1. 500? Wait, wasn’t it just 50 you were all choked up over last week? Did you get FP’d and I missed it? You little rockstar you! Congrats my friend! :)

      • Nice to meet you Anonymous. Sike. Thanks Mancakes! Wait, Heather? WTF is going on here? I’m so confused, but what else in new.

        Anyway, I’m not even drunk yet, but I have to get just a little mushy on you. You’re kinda my main inspiration to pick up writing again. When we connected, and had some fun back and forths, it reminded how much I’ve missed the banter with my virtual friends. Yes, that it a little sad and lonely, but not really. It feels pretty nice when a stranger can make you laugh or cry. The same as a real friend, so I decided to pick up writing again and it’s been a blast. Thanks!

        Okay, now it’s time to get drunk. I was mainly writing today, but now I’m going to go read through everyone’s stuff. I’ll save yours for last so it’s extra nonsensical and rambling.

        Your manservant,
        Chris

    • I just couldn’t go away your web site prior to sutegsging that I really loved the standard information an individual provide on your guests? Is gonna be back continuously to check out new posts.

    • Ha! Thanks so much for always reading and being so sweet. I enjoy reading your posts as well, so don’t settle yourself short. Chris Cares is kinda amazing, not gonna lie. Okay, well off to read everyone’s stuff and reply to comments. Cheers!

    • 1e9Excellent post at BEST YOUR LIFE Change Your Life NOW! Mastermind Group. I was checking coaltnntsy this blog and I am impressed! Extremely useful info particularly the last part I care for such information much. I was seeking this certain info for a long time. Thank you and best of luck.

  2. I love Barnes and Noble. It’s just about the only bookstore left in the world. Congrats on 500. I have almost 5000 on Tumblr, but they’re mostly teenage girls, so it doesn’t really count. I don’t know why they follow me. They must think that I’m one of them because of my posts. IDK.
    Pistachio ice cream is the bomb diggity. I had to quite eating it when I went on my diet.
    Sorry you thought you got called Chrissy. That’s a creepy doll from the 70s name. Her hair really grows. It’s also the stupid girl on Three’s Company.

    • Touche on the use of bomb diggity. Might be partially the cause of those teenage girl followers. That and your love for Justin Bieber. Get it together, man! But seriously, pastachio ice cream is the shit. Cheers to you, my good friend.

      • Only if the pony can fly and is a unicorn that I don’t have to pay to feed or keep in a barn. Oh I don’t know I just started my first official week at this job it hasn’t been going as great as it did durring training. but if it goes well probably soon I could ask to travel . If it doesn’t get better then probably not for a while I’m afraid.

  3. Hahahaaa!!! I loled so hard I almost spat my tea all over my 2007 macbook which is almost dead anyway. I think I’ll go make myself an instant coffee (the kind that has granules that are meant to be big but it’s such crap quality that it’s half powder) and read another one of your posts and see if I actually splat coffee all over the screen. Wait, does my insurance cover damage due to interwebs (as you call it) hilarity combined with hot beverage sipping??? Alas, another of life’s mysteries…

    • Instant coffee? I shit you not that I drink instant coffee. Too lazy or too old fashioned or too boneheaded or too cheap or too…I don’t own a coffee maker. Let’s sell your 2007 Macbook and get married at the Moose Lodge. Travel the world. Spend our leftover money on real coffee. This is going to be great. Thanks for the comment and sorry about the tea.

  4. I think I’m a superfan. It’s sorta embarrassing. Also? You’re welcome. I followed you today – curiously enough, you liked one if my posts today which gave me THE BEST WORDPRESS DAY TO DATE, apparently. So we are both pretty big deals. In case you’re keeping track or something.

    • There is a little girl picking her nose in your profile pic. Sweet. Well shit let’s get married. Are you married? I don’t play that game, but if you’re not married, let’s get married. Life is too short. That girl is kinda freakin me out. Sorry if it’s yours, I don’t mind. It was always my master plan to get married way late so I didn’t have to do the bulk of raising those bastards. Sorry if it’s your daughter for calling her a bastard. Nose picking aside, she looks darling. How is your August shaping up?

      • Okay…nope, that’s not my kid. I hacked that pic from the interwebs because nothing defines “sassy panties” like a blonde haired kid picking her nose as proud as can be.

        Yep. I’m married. 22 years. I’ll keep you posted. If this shit turns south, I’ll let you know! Ha! Just kidding. Not that you aren’t quite the catch, but after 22 years? I kinda wanna see how this whole ride turns out, you know?

        As for August? I’m going to be spending 12 days of it in MAUI! Holy shit, I’m excited! I’m not sure why you asked, however. Is that when you wanted to get married? That would be convenient because my anniversary is the 24th and it’d be cool to not have to remember a different date….

        • I love you. Married or not, doesn’t matter. It’s the kind of love that is rooting you on, and celebrating with you for that 22 years. That’s awesome! Can’t believe you found someone that likes you despite the nose picking, little bastard child profile pic. But I swear if that sonofabitch ever screws things up, it’s gonna be a different kind of love. Yeah, you know what I mean. But seriously, that’s way cool. 12 days in Maui!? Awesome. Never been. Send me a postcard…not of that bastard child either.

      • Some of my posts are now appearing, but I nocite that it is a selective process.As well as getting caught in the Spam Karma filter (which has rules specific to this blog), your comments are being caught in the Akismet filter (which operates based on external rules).I suspect that you are being caught in the Akismet filter because comments you have made on other blogs have been marked as spam by the authors of those blogs.Hopefully you won’t have problems posting comments here in future but, if you do, I’ll manually pick out your comments from the filter, and keep reporting them as not spam’ until Akismet takes nocite.

  5. Dear Dimwit,

    I knew you had a sweet and funny blog and that you’d make friends pretty fast, but 500 followers already? I fucking hate you and I hope that you and your homosexual brother are attacked in your gay forest by a vampire.

    Love,

    Donofalltrades

    • HAHAHAHA I’m dying, Don. You sonofabitch. Well, know that my followers are your follwowers. Christ, I can’t spell. shit. Too much Franzia boxed wine. I’ll work a plug in for you soon, buddy. You’r too damn funny. Gotta go tuck my brother in, you know. shit to much Franzi voxed wine.

      Even more love,

      = the c
      aptian.

  6. You’ve outdone yourself, dimwit. And thus far I’ve yet to be disappointed. Look’s like your star is rising my friend– I will be guffawing along with your silliness all the way to 1000 followers– (which looks like it could come sooner rather than later). thank you for the gut busting– for reals. it’s good shit. And i love the drape of your t-shirt over the fatty mcfat– it’s hot.

    • What the hell kind of day begins at 4:30 AM?! Well, mine for starters, because I never went to bed and I assume everybody is on EST. I’m gonna be frank here…I’m gonna go take a NO. 2 and go to bed. Thanks for the comment! You’re NO. 1 in my book. :)

  7. Sir,

    I didn’t even have the chance to read your entire post because I was already on the verge of being late for work. Your “Thank You” fan picture caused a ruckus in my house, mostly because I laughed so loudly that my husband woke up and wanted to know what was going on.

    I can not think of a better or more creative way to express gratitude. I tip my hat to you.

    • OMG I’m so sorry! Please apologize to your husband for me. But secretly, well as secretly as it is to say so on a blog, I’m delighted that your husband was rudely awakened by a hearty laugh. Thanks for the awesome comment!

  8. Greetings and salutations. You ‘liked’ a post of mine the other day and I wound up here last night. I poked around your place, saw some sparkly vampires, then Uncle Jesse and I was hopelessly hooked. Thanks for nothing, dude. I need to follow yet another blog like I need to see a photo of Sally Jesse in a bathing suit.

    Oh, and holy shit. Your blog is exploding. Congrats on the followers in such a short time. I had about 10 followers for the first year of blogging so I am officially blown away. I see Freshly Pressed in your near future. Then all the money will start rollin’ in.

    • Holy shit. I love this comment. Since I will be richy McRich soon, can I buy ya a drink sometime? But seriously, I really appreciate the kind words. Man, there are some really cool, ass folks in this world. You are surely one of them. Please keep following along.

  9. Congrats!! 500 Holy smokes that’s awesome! Your post is too funny and reading all the comments had me rolling. Said it before and I’ll say it again….Love Love Love this blog! Keep it up!

  10. Don’t look now but I think everyone’s starting to catch on. Glad I made it in here before they start hassling you about the fire code. Congratulations, well-deserved! For what it’s worth, my mom can’t stand it when people call her Chrissy either…and she’s a girl.

    • Haha, thanks Jason! Well, you know, there are worse things to be called. I have a rather large…nose. And being called Pinocchio from shouting teenagers after you get off the bus stop was quite an experience, but hey, look at me now. 650 blog followers and counting. Some serious validation. Nah, but I really appreciate the comment. Hoping this thing leads me somewhere? Cheers. Thanks for reading.

  11. 500 fucking followers already?!!!!?!?!?!!!?!?!? I’m outraged and appalled. (You can clearly see that by the absurd abundance of punctuation that I used there.) You and your Mickeydeez belly can go to blog hell. I will now click “unfollow” and leave you with 499 followers.

    Ok, so that’s an empty threat….I offer you my begrudging congratulations and I’ll go blog about how much I hate your face so all of MY followers will know…all 11 of them.

    • HA! Maybe it’s because I’m sleep deprived and drunk again, but this comment cracked me the hell up. Thanks. don’t unfollow me, please! I think I’m gonna make a post how to get follwerers sometime soon. All the shit I’ve read is just that…shit. The dimwit has some real advice to offer. anyway, excuse the spelling and grammer. It’s late. But never to late to say THANKS I WANT TO MARRY YOU. Cheers.

      • well, I’m up to 22 now! whoo hoo!
        and I already have a husband that serves me coffee naked every morning.
        he’s naked, not the coffee..that shit has cream and sugar. Real cream too, not that disgusting powdered shit.
        I’m a fan of you, you braggart sunuvabitch. you make me laugh and feel cheeky the rest of the day!

        • And I’ll add Underworld by Don DeLillo. It’s long, dense, and complicated, cinuttg back and forth in time and between characters, but I thought I was getting it until I reached a point around midway where I realized I simply had no idea what on Earth he was talking about. Instead of soldiering on, I bailed out, but I still have my copy and maybe I’ll get back to it someday.

  12. Well snap, I just gave mushy credit to one of my favorite bloggers for reaching over 1000 followers, you’ll catch up to her in like a week. What the hell is going on here?
    Congratulations, or whatever, to you…
    You think you could watch my blog for a little while why I run to powder my face?

    • Powder away! I got this. you can totally count on me…er, wait. Probably not. Pretty cool, right? I have no idea what the hell is going on, but just running with it. Thanks for the comment.

  13. “Mathematically challenged imbecile”. . .that cracked me up!! Why do I find anything having to do with farts or poop so amusing? Is this pic also available in poster size? I would like to mount it next to the skating poster. Hee hee. . . .I just said mount. . .

  14. Salutations and congratulations. You certainly deserve it. Supposedly hard work pays off, and in your case it did. Keep up the good work…I’m keeping my eye on you. By the way, do you realize that you were practically asking every female to marry you? That in and of itself was worth laughing over. See you soon.

      • Hell yeah! I DO! I just said my vows, now it’s your turn….LMAO! Oh my goodness (do I even have any goodness left in me?) I just realized that this is the first bloggers marriage proposal I’ve ever had. Maybe we could have little bloggerettes together. What do you say?

        • Okay, gonna share something with you since we’re all married now and whatnot. I have this outlandish idea which will be explained further down the road, but I SO want to be romantically involved with another fellow blogger. We’ll hit it off. Our love story will be celebrated by bloggers all across the globe. We’ll join forces, our love story will be something special. The kind of love portrayed in the movies. And we’ll begin a joint blog, it will be a major hit, I’m talking MILLIONS of followers. The blog will be called…get ready for this….blogJOB. I’ve already done some initial research.

          Holy shit I’m going to bed. Goodnight, wifey.

Fire Away You Dimwits

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s