Guest Blogger – John Stamos

If you’ve read my “About This Shizz,”  then you’re aware of the fact that I work in the film industry.  It’s really not all that glamorous, so don’t get too overly excited fellow dimwits.  My job mostly consists of ordering Porta Potties for set and picking up cigarette butts that darling crew members flick on the ground.  But the job does have its perks.

I’ve built up some good connections over the years, and was able to pull a few strings in order to land my very first guest blogger to be featured on The Dimwit Diary.

Without further ado, I hand it over to John Stamos, famed actor of the 1990’s hit TV series “Full House,” and leave you with an honest and brave confessional letter that he was gracious enough to share with us all.

Thank you, Mr. Stamos.  You’re a kind soul and you have amazing hair.

*   *   *   *   *

John-Stamos-john-stamos-21332076-1157-1611

July 25, 2012
Thursday,  9:45 PM

Dear The Baha Men,

It is with no great pleasure that I am sitting down to write you this letter on an unusually cloudy evening in Los Angeles.  Perhaps the grey clouds are fitting.  I am disheartened beyond belief.

Twelve years ago, you proposed a question:  Who let the dogs out?  You put it in form of a catchy song with an infectious groove and those funky junkanoo beats.  The song went sailing to the top of the charts.  It was a good time to be The Baha Men:  platinum record, platinum jewelry and platinum hair.

Others may have been fooled into thinking that you were on top of the world, but you weren’t fooling me.  I know how much you loved your dogs – those friendly, cuddly rottweilers, Pepper Spray and Mace.

They were like your children.  When someone carelessly let them out one evening and they never returned, so was it the case with your heart.  A large piece of it hopped over the chain link fence and never returned to its rightful owners.

I am regretful that I’ve waited this long to come forward, but after twelve years of unrelenting guilt, I couldn’t bear even one more second of it.

It was me that let the dogs out – John Stamos.

I know the question that you woofed in the chorus is not why did you let the dogs out, but for my own sanity’s sake, I feel as though I must offer an explanation.  I snuck into your estate one late evening and lured your dogs out with a juicy steak because I was upset that you didn’t come to my 37th birthday party.

I was incredibly angry and deeply hurt.  It may seem juvenile to you, but to me it would have meant the world if The Baha Men had attended my birthday party.  And not just the world to me, It would have meant the world to a lot of other people as well.

I told everyone that you were going to be there.  I even put it on the invitations:  Special Musical Performance by The Baha Men.  Sally Jessy Raphael told me that was the only reason she was coming to my birthday party.  I believed her, because immediately after she found out that you weren’t going to be in attendance for the evening, she went storming out of my house, and that red glasses wearing biatch took everyone else at the party with her.

Pardon my language, The Baha Men.  It’s just, I’ve harbored a lot of resentment for that woman over the years.  That was one of the worst evenings of my life, and Sally was intent on making the next several years a living hell for me, turning my friends against me, Hollywood producers, spreading rumors and making up lies.  I was virtuously blacklisted by everyone.

Sally had quite a lot of influence back in those days, which kills me because I never quite saw the appeal.  She had big glasses and feathered hair.  So what?  So did my dad, but he never got his own crappy talk show, although there was a time where he was involved in some pretty serious negotiations.  But that’s not the point of all of this.  The point is this:  I’m extremely sorry and I’m requesting your forgiveness.

I know I can never bring Pepper Spray and Mace back.  I paid my cousin Dino a fifty spot to put them down.  But what I can do is offer you this $35 gift certificate to P.F. Chang’s China Bistro.  The gift certificate is only valid for one year.  Sorry, but management refused to budge no matter how many times I reminded them that I played the rock-‘n-roll bad boy biker, Jesse Katsopolis, on Full House.  I wish it was more, but much like your career, mine was also short lived and the cash flow is more like a cash trickle these days.  It’s a tough economy for all of us.

Please accept my deepest apologies.  I have two dogs of my own, and I know how much it would pain me if someone were to let them out and I was never to see them again.  In fairness though, I probably wouldn’t have made a cheesy remake of that song, and an even worse video to boot.  We all grieve in different ways, I suppose.  I hope that your heart has had time to mend and that you were able to find some healing along the way.

I also hope that we can all manage a way to move on from this.  Perhaps one day we will even be able to laugh about it, and maybe it will even provide inspiration for you to make another chart topping hit one day soon.  I don’t know how the song would go.  Maybe some more barking as people can’t seem to get enough of those incessant who, who, who’s.  I’ll leave the song writing up to the experts, to you my dear friends.  The Baha Men.

With kindest personal regards,

John Stamos

PS.  If you still talk to Sally, tell her I said to bite me.

Baha Men & Sally Jessy Raphael Swim

60 thoughts on “Guest Blogger – John Stamos

    • Well I try not to judge people from their pasts. Yes, Stamos had Pepper Spray and Mace killed, which is abhorrible, but I’d like to think that overcoming the tough life circumstances that Sally Jessy Raphael handed him, he’s a better person than he was 12 years ago.

      Just kidding! People with good hair should no be trusted! It’s like people with blue eyes. (Oh wait – I have blue eyes.)

    • How incredibly kind of you to say! I’ve only ever watched Annie Hall (don’t tell my fellow film co-workers; I’ll be in hot water.) I guess we all borrow and steal from others, don’t we, and that’s a good thing. Anyway, I really appreciate the feedback. Thanks!

      • Well, most of Woody’s work is similar to Annie Hall (except his very first movies and these latest ones). His writing is kind of the same as well.

    • WHO LET THE DOGS OUT, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT. I’ve had that song stuck in my head for 13 years now, I kid you not. It might explain a lot of things about me. Thanks for the comment Honey!

  1. Oh Stamos how could you? All my childhood it was you and your overly populated household that guided me towards a cheesier, Hallmark life. This will take time to forgive…

    Fab post! You, sir, are being stalked… or followed… whatever they call it.

  2. Hilarious! I’m so glad that my childhood dreams of marrying Uncle Jess never panned out. Who knew he would turn out to be a dog killer! Ah! Great post!

  3. This made my coffee come out my nose. Between that and not responding to emails because I’m too busy reading through your archives, you’re making me a hit with my co-workers today Chris. I’m just saying.

    • Thanks! I don’t watch a lot of TV so most of my pop culture references are from the 90’s. I was concerned that people wouldn’t get it but glad to see they did. Look out for some Mr. T and Hootie & the Blowfish references coming up soon!

  4. Geez…I hope John has some people who can watch his back. I’m guessing the Baja Men aren’t going to be at all pleased about this. Between you and me, I think John’s gonna get his ass kicked.

  5. This is hilarious. Now that song will be stuck in my head for days! Thanks for the “like” from Classy Interiors & Events.

    • Hey, and thanks for the comment. My apologies for the song being stuck in your head, and even more apologies for being 2 weeks behind on replies. Now you might see this and have the song stuck in your head all over again. What a tragedy. Well, hope you’re having a good day.

      • mine is a little bit dirnefeft i also get that unlock icon, but i can’t find the privace setting in the chrysanth diary software.. can you tell me how do i put a lock in it?

    • You sound like you are channeling Carl SaganI pick up actecns wherever I go as well. If I spend a week in Boston again, you’ll bet that accent comes back

  6. Pingback: Guest Blogger – The Baha Men | The Dimwit Diary

    • Thanks! I was going for epic, but I’ll take just awesome. That was a bad joke, sorry. But it reminds me, I’ve got this idea for an online review where I review this shirt with the caption “Epic” and see how many times I can use the word in the review. The gag probably won’t work out and will just end up being really annoying, like maybe this comment, but I may give it a crack and see what happens. Thanks for reading. :)

  7. This is amazing. You liked one simple post on my blog so obviously I wanted to see what was going on over here. I was completely unprepared for the amount of hilarity I was about to experience. A special thanks to John Stamos as well. Cant wait to read the Baha Men response!

    • Thanks Doctor Iz! Sorry, I’m just now getting to some replies and came across this one. Well, 2 weeks later but it still means a lot. Very kind of you to say, and hope you’ll come back for some more laughs. Cheers.

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