Funny, Outrageous Reviews – Stank & Sawdust

Sometimes I get drunk on Franzia boxed wine and submit funny, outrageous online product reviews.  It is awesome.  This installment of reviews is about stank and sawdust.

Citysearch Review:   VCA Animal Hospital 

I heard some good things from several friends and co-workers about the VCA Animal Hospital on Library Road, and decided to give it a try when my cat, Molly Mittens, was acting very strangely when I got home from work one evening.

BIG MISTAKE.

It turns out Molly Mittens had to have an emergency surgery, which meant that I had to leave her at the hospital overnight.  Naturally, I was concerned and had some questions for the staff.  You would’ve thought that I was asking them to donate a kidney or something.  After asking a few general questions regarding follow-up care for Molly Mittens, and receiving no answers, one of the staff members abruptly told me to “Zip it, chatty Kathy.  Can’t you see I’m trying to watch Biggest Loser?”

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER, MR. LOSER!  I was furious.  I demanded to speak to the head staff in charge.  As I waited nearly 45 minutes in the lobby with TVs blaring and rap music blasting, I overheard one staff member say to his colleague, “Yo’ shawty.  Do it stank like animals up in this piece?”

OF COURSE IT SMELLS LIKE ANIMALS, TUPAC SHAKUR!  It’s called an animal hospital!

Lets just say that the staff was very rude and I don’t think that they even like animals.  To top things off, when I went to pick up Molly Mittens the next day, I noticed that she wasn’t acting quite herself.  At first, I thought it was because she was groggy from the surgery, but when I began to give her Eskimo kisses and started playfully scratching her underbelly, that’s when I noticed that the morons had given me the wrong cat.

I immediately went back to the hospital, and of course Tupac was outside smoking a cigarette.  He was the first staff member that caught the wrath of my fury.  When I asked him what in the hell was going on and why they gave me the wrong cat, he blew a puff of smoke and casually mentioned that my cat died, so they spray-painted another cat black hoping that I wouldn’t notice.

WELL YOU BETTER BELIEVE I NOTICED BUDDY!!! I told those cat killers that they’re going to have a lawsuit on their hands.  I’ve already been in touch with my lawyer and have began the proceedings.  I couldn’t believe it.

DO NOT BRING YOUR PET HERE IF YOU EXPECT TO TAKE THEM HOME ALIVE!

Pros:  comfortable seating
Cons:  killing cats and spray-painting them black

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Amazon Review:  2X4 Yankee Candle

I can’t stand all those fru-fru scented candles like Meadow Showers, Honey Dew Drops, and Fairy Rainbow Elves.  My ex-broad use to buy that crap, and it’d make me madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.  If I wanted candles to smell like a damn fruit or a flower, I’d just go buy a damn fruit or a flower.  If a candle should smell like anything, it should be the smell of railroad tar or engine grease.

So my buddy tells me there’s this new line of man candles, or mandles as he calls them, and he’s going on about it.  Shoulda’ heard him.  Son of a gun was happier than a bucktoothed gopher in a pile of soft dirt, so I figured I’d try ’em out and see what all the fuss was about.

I bought the Riding Mower and First Down scents, being that I’m a general sucker for the smell of fresh cut grass and leather spiked balls, but they wasn’t anything to write home about.  Better than Honeysuckle Cinnamon Truffles or Sunkissed Cookie Freckles, and all that other crap.  But the scent that made me harder than a woodpecker’s lips pecking away at a pine tree was the 2X4 scent.   It filled the whole house up and made it smell just like I was down at Pappy’s lumber mill.   Sawdust.  Now we’re gettin’ somewhere.

I got a new old lady, and she says the 2X4 scent makes her hotter’n an ol’ settin’ hen, settin’ eggs in a wool basket in the summertime.  As long as the old lady’s a happy camper, I’m a happy camper.  I’d recommend this mandle to all the fellas.

So that’s a 10-4 on the 2X4 good buddy.  5 stars, 3 cheers, and a perfect 10 for the sawdust scented mandle that’ll leave you happier than a puppy with 2 peters

20 Question And Answers With the Dimwit – An Apology

Hello fellow bloggers and you poor, unlucky souls that had the misfortune to stumble across this blog.  Thought I’d take a break in the action from Photoshopping ferocious wolves and writing fictional stories about the Baha Men for a minute if that’s all right.

I was nominated for three awards this past week.  It’s an honor, really.  The only awards that I’ve ever won are things like the “Hustle” award in basketball, and “Most Likely to End Up In Jail.”  Nailed both of them suckers, too.  My parents were proud to get that phone call at 2 AM, let me tell you.

The nominations mean a lot, they really do.  However, I’m sad to report that I have to decline.  I was really conflicted as how to go about it, and I even wrote to a seasoned blogger friend to see if she could offer up some advice since I’m kinda new around here.

I figured I owed some sort of explanation as to why I’m declining the nominations.  So here it is.  I’ve been busy writing.  Crazy busy.  Maddening days and maddening nights typing away at the keyboard and Photoshopping.

Pretty soon I have to go back to working on movies, back to a job that pays.  So I’ve been trying to get the next few months all finished up, so I can still post a little madness for you all when I’m working.  I don’t want your lives to all the sudden lose purpose and meaning when the Dimwit’s gone.   That would be something awful.  So I’m declining the nominations so I can keep plowing forward and remain focused on writing.  Hope you understand.

But of course just like a thank you is never enough for a madman like myself, an apology is never enough either.  I’ve done some digging.  I have all sorts of keepsakes that I’ve saved over the years – journals, high school essays, drawings, embarrassing poetry.   Well, I managed to dig up a good one.  I found this handout from my Speech class in 9th grade.  It’s a list of 20 personal questions and answers.  I noticed on the rules for the award nominations, they had you fill out 10 questions about yourself, so I thought I’d share my personal answers with my fellow dimwits as sort of my apology.  It’s outdated, sure.  But honestly, the answers haven’t changed all that much in *gulp* 20 years.  I was as ornery then as I am now.

I was a teacher’s nightmare, and boy did I like to give them fits.   I was a smartass, the class clown, cracking jokes, disrupting class, skipping classes, wondering around the hallways, and skipping school.  But I was also the kid who took the smelly girl to the school dance when I found out she had been taking showers in the mornings at school because her parents couldn’t afford things like soap and shampoo.  So even though I gave them fits, the teachers cut me some slack because they knew I had a kind heart and meant well overall.  I also graduated top of my class, so suck it teachers!!!  That was my final hoorah for them, and boy did it drive them mad.

Well, I tend to ramble in case you haven’t noticed, so I better wrap it up.  Below are my 20 personal questions and answers.  For any of my *gulp* elderly? ancient? readers who have trouble seeing with your cataracts, you can click on the image, and it should open up nice and big.   Here are my 20 personal answers….

There you have it.   A little history and background on the Dimwit dingaling.  I’ve got some good stuff coming up.  More Photoshop tutorials, famous guest bloggers, online reviews, an advice column, and lots more madness.

I do appreciate the nominations.  Feel free to nominate me for more if you’d like.  Just let me know, and I’ll give you a plug or something in return.  Below are the three, kind folks who nominated me.  Please be sure to visit their blogs and go give them all sorts of fits.  I will do the same.

1.  Sassy Panties – She has a avatar-whoozy-ma-whatzit photo of a child picking it’s nose.  She’s also my kindred spirit and she’s funny.  She likes to curse like a sailor, but don’t let that stop you if you’re more of a tame tiger.  She also has a kind heart.   She would be delighted if you stopped by, I’m sure.

2.  KiralynBlue – She’s an over-analyzer, ninja squirrel wrangler, and urban fantasy author.  Those are her words, not mine if you can believe it.  Does sound intriguing.  I’d suggest you give it a click.

3.  Aspiring Writer 22 – Meet Herminia Chow.  She’s 22 and an aspiring writer incase you haven’t gathered from her blog title.  She’s also Canadian, but we won’t hold that against her.  She seems lovely, so show her some support if you would.

Cool, well thanks again.  And sorry if I’ve missed any replies to your comments.  I do read them all and try to answer them as best I can, but my mean boss is a slave driver (and also a dimwit.)

Cheers to you all.

Guest Blogger – The Baha Men

So by now, you regular dimwits know that I work in the film industry.  I’ve downplayed it in previous posts, but it’s actually a pretty cool gig.   I’ve been at it for about 12 years now, and I’ve had the fortune of working on two films with Anne Hathaway, or Annie Spagannie as I like to call her, and well, of course we became instant best friends.

We chat back and forth from time to time, send drunk texts to each other at 3 AM, those  sorts of things that best friends do.  Well, Annie Spagannie has been following along on my blog when she’s not too busy making films.  She had a chance to read the last guest blogger post where John Stamos wrote a brave and chilling letter to the Baha Men (which I would suggest you read first if you haven’t already), and being the huge Baha Men super fan that she is, she was able to help get me in touch with the nice fellas.

So I’d like to thank the Baha Men for being kind enough to be this week’s guest blogger and offering up their response letter to John Stamos.  It’s an insightful read as one would expect, and I think you’ll get a lot out of it.  I know I did.  Thanks the Baha Men.

Yo Stamos!  Woof, Woof, Woof!

Yo we got your letter dawg (no pun intended.)   Hey listen man, that was an incredibly cool thing of you to do.   It takes a lot of guts to tell someone you killed two of their dawgs, even if it did come 12 years late.  I just gotta believe they up there somewhere in a better place, right?  Isn’t that how this whole thing works?  Pepper Spray and Mace, snatchin’ tennis balls outta the air, havin’ a damn good time rolling around up there in them puffy clouds.  Probably nailin’ them female dawgs too, if I know those two hound dawgs!  WOOF!

Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but we was back in the studio making some more of those fresh and funky junkanoo beats.  Our schedules have been mad crazy right now.    But it will all be worth it in just a little while.  We hopin’ anyways.   The Baha Men can’t wait to blow the lid off the new stuff.  They thought the dawgs was wild – wait till they get a hold of these beats.  It’s gonna’ blow some minds!  And probaby a few stereos too, cause I’m tellin’ you, this shit is dope.

Back to the killing our dawgs thing – man, no hard feelings.  We actually knew it was you all along.  Sally ratted you out.  Sombody at the party overheard somebody who said you was hammered and goin’ on about a master plan for juicy steaks, and plottin’ revenge on us for not being able to play your birthday party, or somethin like that.  Then that somebody told Sally who told our drummer Jimbo Slice.  You know how it goes.  Poeple like to yap their traps when it ain’t nobody’s business really.

And well, we was disappointed to hear you done it, no doubt.  We always seen you on Full House, and even though you was a badass biker, you seemed to have a good heart.  I know it’s just TV, and it was all acting and stuff, but still, you can tell alot about people form their smile, the way their eyes look or don’t look, and just the way they carry themselves.  You can’t act that Stamos.  We knew you was a good guy.

It’s just you was in a bad place, that’s all.  Ain’t we all sometimes.  Life can knock you silly but unlike you, it don’t have the decency to say sorry.  It don’t care none if you’re Bob, or Jim, or if you’re the famous actor John Stamos.  Everyone gets the rug taken out from underneath them at some point, and I guess it was just me, you, and Sally Jessy Raphael’s turn at the time.  Just gotta get back up, put the rug back into place.   Like Eminem says, you only get one shot.  Might as well make it a good one.

We gotta tell you this one last thing before we get back to the studio.  You was actually the inspiration behind the idea for “Who Let The Dogs Out?”  We didn’t wanna’ tell no one it was John Stamos,  cause we collectively felt it was more mysterious just letting it alone.  The mystery paid off.  We still collectin’ those checks off that song 12 years later, so let’s leave it at this Stamos.  Let’s get together sometime, crack some bubbly and we won’t never mention none of this ever again.  Clean slate.  Whad’ya say?

Hope you’re good John, and sorry to hear when things got ugly with you and Rebecca, and the whole split and all of that stuff.  Just another one of those things, another one of those twists and turns in life.  Grab the wheel, hold on, don’t never take your foot off the gas.  Keep on driving Stamos.  Take that shot.

Your dawgs forever,

The Baha Men

PS.  Thanks for the PF Changs gift certificate!  I got the Shaking Beef and Jimbo got the Crispy Honey Shrimp.  It was mad dope!  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!!!

Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Yourself In a Pop Up Tent With A Ferocious Wolf

Well, I don’t know about you dimwits, but I like wolves.  Always have.  In elementary school, the teachers were always going around asking questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” I’d shrug my shoulders.  I don’t know, “Blue.”  “Whad’ya wanna to be when you grow up?”  Once again a shrug.  Never gave it much thought, being that I was 8 1/2 years old and all.   So I’d say, “A school teacher so one day I can ask awesome questions just like you.”   And then the teachers would finally get around to asking the real gritty, meaty questions.  “What’s your favorite animal?”  Without hesitation, I would confidently respond, “Wolf.”

So as you can see, ever since I was a little kid I always liked wolves.

Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  I know what you’re probably saying to yourself, “Man, that’s impossobile.  I can never learn to Photoshop myself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.”  Wrong.  You just gotta believe, and with the aid of this tutorial, you’ll be off and howling in no time.  To the moon we go.

Step 1:  Put On Some Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet”

Whenever I’m Photoshopping myself in pop up tents with ferocious wolves, it’s all about setting the right mood.  The sound of rainforest and pan flutes are always a nice background music to work with,  but it’s not quite wolfy enough for this lesson.  We need something that howls.  Something that screams and gets the blood pumping a little.  I’m talking Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” circa 1986, ladies and gentlemen.  Let’s get wild in the streets, shall we?  We definitely shall.

Step 2:  Lasso The Head Of A Smoking Hot Blond

Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this tutorial.  As you can see, it’s me in the women’s changing room pop up tent with a smoking hot blond. While I have nothing against poking my head out of a pop up tent with a smoking hot blond, for this demonstration, we will be replacing her smiling face with a ferocious wolf.

If you’ve had a chance to read the sparkly vampire Twilight poster tutorial, then you’re aware that not only do I have a fondness for wolves, but I also have a deep appreciation for magnets.  So crank up some Jovi, whip your hair around like your all time favorite glam rocker, loosen up those neck muscles a bit, give a couple monster leg kicks, another hair whip or two, take a swig of water to stay hydrated, and go to the upper, left hand corner to select the Magnetic Lasso Tool, in that specific order.

Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove.  Carefully make your selection of the smoking hot blond, then hit the delete button.  Boom shakalacka.  The smoking hot blond is no more and you should end up with a layer that looks like so.

Hey, what the shit Jon Bon Jovi?  Well, sorry about that Photoshoppers.  Seems there’s a little cockblocking going on here, and somebody is having a little difficulty letting go of their glorious, glamorous, hair thrashing past.  Sorry Jon Bon Jovi, but you and your 7 foot tall, hair sprayed, lion’s mane need to go.  We have some more wolfing to do.

Step 3:  Let’s Go Hunting For A Ferocious Wolf

So first things first.  We need a ferocious wolf.  I know just the place to go find one.  Do a Google search for “Ferocious Wolf” and select an image you like.  The more ferocious the better.  I would suggest choosing the wolf showing the most teeth to get the most of that ferocious look.  Here is the photo of the ferocious wolf that I have selected to use.

Step 4:  Lassoing The Head Of A Ferocious Wolf

Similar to how I lassoed the head of the smoking hot blond, I will be lassoing the head of the ferocious wolf.  Crank that mutha’ up about 10 decibles, give another whip of the hair, show that GD wolf who’s boss, and select the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner once again.

Carefully trace around the ferocious wolf head, and make a new isolated layer.  And no, Jon Bon Jovi, you’re not invited to the wolf head party.  You and your tight, leather pants and unbuttoned shirt need to stuff it somewhere in New Jersey.   Preferably in the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey, which shouldn’t be too hard to find since the entire state is a sewer.  No offense to anyone that lives in New Jersey.

Your ferocious wolf head isolated layer should look like something like this.

Step 4:  Blend The Ferocious Wolf Head In A Pop Up Tent

I’ll keep this brief.  Slippery When Wet clocks in at a mere 42:22, so we don’t have a whole lot of time for goofing.  Not when we’ve got some wolfing to do, so let’s finish this sonofabitch up.  So now that we got rid of the smoking hot blond, and have an isolated layer of the ferocious wolf head, it’s time to blend the two images.

And man, honest to God, these next 100 steps are so incredibly, freaking boring, and it’s probably the whole reason that I never went to my graphic design classes in college in the first place.  I”m just.  Do you ever regret things in your past?  Like, sit around and ever wonder how things would be any different today if you had made just a few different choices when you were younger?  If you would be living in a different state?  A different country, even?  Have a different career?  Maybe be with someone different, somebody at all?  If those few different choices would’ve made you wealthier, more successful? Happier?

Christ, Bon Jovi is giving me a pounding headache, so I’m gonna skip about the next 12 steps if that’s cool with you dimwits.   I knew I should’ve gone with White Snake, but it’s too late for that now.  We’re committed, so let’s wrap this up and send Jovi home packing.

So basically, I did some more lassoing, and traced the pop up tent so I could make a new layer, I added in a few slash marks to the pop up tent cause I thought it looked pretty cool and more ferocious, I added a layer mask and…

You know what.  I can’t even do it.  I can’t even pretend anymore.  Photoshop sucks the will to live right outta me.  Leaves me shriveled, dying, and makes me feel a little less of a human being every time I click on that smug looking PS logo.  Every time I see that bouncy ball opening up the program as if he’s excited, and knows that with each and every bounce, a little more of me dies inside.   I’m smashing this stereo.  Bon Jovi is really grinding my nerves.  Here’s your photo of the cockblocking, cock knocker Jon Bon Jovi, you dimwits.

Welp, there you go.  Congratulations on making yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  Hope it was as wonderful of an experience as it was for me.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop Jon Bon Jovi’s Olivia Newtwon-John  looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey.  Time for me to go howl at the moon with about a gallon of Jim Beam and a case of Milwalkees Best.

l,000 Followers – A Thank You

Well, hells bells and cockle shells.  1,000 followers.  1,000 real, genuine funny, ornery, thoughtful, and real live wire dimwits.  Time to break out the good stuff.  I usually only reserve the good stuff for when I have to sit through three hours of my sister’s ballet recitals, but this is a real cause for celebration.  It’s time to break out the $12 bottle of Kessler.   Salute, bottoms up, all that good stuff, and a big cheers to you all.

So you’re maybe tired of hearing it, but I think it’s important to say thanks.   It’s a nice word to say:  thanks.  It just kind of rolls off the tongue nicely, so thanks again to all you dimwits.  It really means a lot, and I’ve appreciated all your comments, likes, and nude photographs that you’ve sent to me.  I read all your comments, but I don’t always get a chance to respond.   But I do try my best, and if I’ve missed one, a thousand apologies.  Make that 1,001 just to be safe, and 1,002 if you are a siamese twin.   I’m sorry about your luck, but hoping all goes well for you and you.

Check this out, dimwits.  By now, we’ve weeded out the kittens from the tigers.  And those of you that are still hanging around here are clearly the tigers.  Those of you that don’t mind a little cursing, a little jousting, some poking, a little sparing, a lot of madness, and the occasional mention of wiener tucked vaginas.  But always in a good, fun way, and always with best intentions, as best an intention a wiener tucked vagina can have, I suppose.

So this is my thanks to the 1,000 followers.

To the tigers, the dimwits, the dingalings, the ding dongs, to the tingleberries.  Thanks for having a good old, rip-roaring time with me.  It’s been a lot of fun, I hope.  Maybe even a few other things that you might’ve needed at that very moment.

So how’s about an autographed African Safari photograph of myself posed as a tiger, wearing Randy Macho Man Savage sunglasses, with a few gents in the background trying to snap off a good shot of the old, ding dong, dingaling, dimwit himself in action.   Don’t say I never gave you nothing.  You dimwits.

Turned out kinda nice.  Perhaps a good one for the high school lockers or the fire place mantle.  Anyway, I wanted to give a few plugs.  In the rapper community, we lyrical gunslingers like to refer to them as “shout outs.”  So here they go.  I’ve made the links in separate pop-up menus, so there’s no excuse not to click.

1.  The Real Housewives of Lancaster PA – If the title doesn’t do it for you, than the video surely will.  Written, acted, and produced by a dear friend, who at one point was my intern on a little, old movie starring  Jake Gyllenhaal & Anne Hathaway that you mighta heard of called “Love and Other Drugs.”  My talented friend’s real name is Susan Rankus, but I sometimes still like to refer to her as “Hey Intern,” which is what I called her the entire course of the 4 month shoot.  And we’re still friends.  Check out the video, it’s hilarious.  *Spoiler alert* – Amish girl packing dildos in her suitcase.

2.  Cancer:  My Journey Back to Health-Kicking & Screaming the Whole Damn Way – Yes, well by now the gig is up.  It’s true.  I’m not a dimwit.  Not in the traditional sense of the word, meaning that I’m a dum-dum.  I mean, I am a dum-dum.  I spend hours writing reviews about unicorns and Ting Tings.  Beautiful words, poetic even for a lousy review of an online product on Amazon that nobody will ever see, when I should be penning a classic instead.  Who does that nonsense?  Dimwits.  Dimwits do it.  But I also have enough sense to know that when someone is willing to bare their soul for the benefit of others going through a similar struggle, well you’d have to be a true dimwit to pass up an opportunity to give that person a plug.  A shout out to you, beautiful, bald-headed Laura Lynn.  Kick some ass and take some names.

3.  The Boy Hero –  Meet Jason.  He likes cats, long walks on the beach, orange flavored Gatorade, miniature putt-putt golf, and sculpting totem poles out of western red cedar wood on the weekends.  Ladies?  Totally just kidding.  Made that whole thing up.  Told ya I like to tell tall tales.  But he does seem like a general, all around good dude.  And he’s in the process of writing a few screenplays, so I have to give a nod to a fella’ working in the biz when I can.  Go read his stuff pretty please with an orange Gatorade on top.  (You better hire my ass, Jason, and make the $50 for the plug made out to CASH.)

Welp, that does it for shout outs this round.  If I make to 1,500 maybe I’ll do up another super sexxxy photo.  Lord knows I have a million of them lying around.  I’ll throw up some more shout outs too, cause I know most of you are trying to get your stuff seen just the same as the majority of us bloggers.  I can’t promise, but if you’d like a special Dimwit shout out, send me a link, shoot me a message, and we’ll see if we can’t make it happen.

I do appreciate this whole community aspect about blogging.  Scratch my balls, I’ll scratch your balls, or however that saying goes.   I appreciate all the shares, reblogs and reading my stories to your poor sap for husbands.   It’s really sweet and humbling to me, because I’m just some messy haired guy sitting in his apartment wearing his Tweety Bird boxer briefs, with the shades drawn open nice and wide for all the neighbors to see, writing fictional stories about the Baha Men, ect., and it’s cool when you write words, if you’re able to somehow choose the right ones, they can mean the difference from someone having a sour day or a nice day.  I hope you all are having a nice one.

Cheers to ball scratching and to dimwits.  I bid thee tigers farewell for now.  Go make some noise and wake up those darling kittens.  Give the world a shake.  Give it a rattle.  Have a ball.  You might as well.  You’re not here for very long.  So go have some fun, tigers, and I will do the same….thanks again.

ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR